40 Tips
Tamar Russell
40 Days of Resolution at Home | Day 1: What is ...

When people think about conflict, they usually think negatively. Our work is about moving conflict concepts away from the lose-lose mentality to a win-win one, where conflict becomes...

40 Days of Resolution at Home | Day 1: What is Conflict?
Youth Mediation
Tamar Russell
Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation ...

MV Mediation is pleased to announce a $2,500 grant from the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation to support the Youth Mediation Program and Peace Curriculum. The Peace Curriculum, developed by Executive Director Sara Barnes, is a 10-week conflict resolution and positive communication program designed to teach conflict resolution to the students of Martha’s Vineyard. Using integrative and hands-on activities, students learn to apply skills to resolve conflict in their day-to-day lives.

Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation Comes Through for the Youth Program
Paula Reidbord
Seven Ways to Help Our Conflict Resolution ...

Support Martha's Vineyard Mediation in 2022

Seven Ways to Help Our Conflict Resolution Center in 2022

NEW ATTITUDE - DON’T ASSUME

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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NEW ATTITUDE - DON’T ASSUME

Assumptions get in the way of conflict resolution

The life cycle of an assumption

"I know exactly what he is thinking." says the neighbor in the mediation session "Look at him, you can see it, just look at him." Or the client in a private session during a corporate facilitation session, "Can't you hear that in her voice, I know she is being dishonest. I can tell just by listening to her." Or, "They are out to get us, they are lining us up like pins and then, wham, here comes the bowling ball." says the employee in a contract negotiation.

All assumptions, and not helpful. I call it snapshot thinking, because in my view, what happens is that one person takes a snapshot and fills in all kinds of information that may or may not be true based on their biases, imagination, fear and limited experience. Boom. You've got a full-blown assumption. It started as a snapshot, a moment in time, and became a full blown epic story. And much of it is inaccurate and becomes a barrier to a peaceful resolution of the conflict.

Its hard for mediators, conflict coaches, facilitators and others in the conflict resolution field to deal with a client's hardened assumptions. Here's how the assumption is created. The individual takes in data. They pick through data selectively. They ascribe a meaning to the data. They believe the meaning they have settled on as true. They then pay attention only to what confirms their assumption.

Dissecting this assumption is sometimes the most important contribution a conflict resolution specialist can provide. In order to resolve a conflict, assumptions need to be put aside. Here's what it sounds like in a mediation--during a private session:

Mediator "So you have said that Robin only wants to hurt you."

  • Client "Yeah you can see it in their eyes. You see it too, I know you do."

"Well I'm wondering what it means to you that Robin is willing to be here in mediation."

  • "They are just trying to make me miserable, and they are enjoying how hard this is."

"Help me understand where you are coming from. Is there something Robin has done today that shows this?"

  • "No you are not going to see it, Robin is on their best behavior with you.

"Is there anything you could possibly see or hear from Robin that would help you to undo your assumption that Robin is out to hurt you?"

  • "No there is nothing that would show me that, nothing Robin can do would change my thinking."

The ladder of inference

Start at the bottom of the ladder. The information is real and easily documented. Its the meaning behind that information that becomes someone's assumption. Unless the person does research to determine whether their hypothesis is correct or in error - asks questions, keeps an open mind, considers multiple possibilities, knows that their first reaction is often inaccurate. Once you've climbed up the ladder, its hard to back down. Better to avoid making assumptions right from the beginning.

How you stop the ladder of inference from taking over your thought process? If you tend to jump to conclusions, it may be difficult to re-orient your habitual thinking. Some step-by-step challenges to try:

  • Take off your blinders and gather lots of information, some of it might seem contradictory at first. In the above scenario, the observable data was that Rashmi took sick leave. Push yourself to make a list, maybe of 10 different possibilities of what might be happening. All kinds of ideas, some can be unusual.

  • Imagine the other person, think about them sympathetically. Try to not jump to conclusions. What would they want you to be thinking?

  • When you have the opportunity (in this case that would take time until Rashmi returned to work) check things out with an open mind.

  • If you find yourself climbing the ladder, consider what part fear and/or lack of power might play in your reflexive loop. Is this assumption more about you and not the other person?

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CONFLICT COMPONENTS - POWER

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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CONFLICT COMPONENTS - POWER

Power in conflict resolution

Much below is excerpted/derived from Dissecting Power and How it Influences Conflict by Ellen Kandell

Power is the ability to influence an outcome or get a task completed. To understand power, it is vital to know the context in which it is being exerted and the other forces and influences in play. In the context of conflict, power is defined as the ability to get one’s needs met. For a conflict to exist each of those involved must have some degree of power and the ability to influence the outcome of the conflict.

Understanding Structural and Personal Power

Power is an elusive concept because it has so many manifestations. Everyone has many potential sources of power, most of which he or she is often unaware. Some are independent of the conflict while others can be enhanced or diminished by the process of conflict. Structural power is derived from the situation. One form of structural power is formal authority. Changes in structural power usually require systemic fixes. Personal power is inherent in the individual, their personal characteristics and traits. Personal power may come from communication skills, training or experience.

Key Types of Power

Formal: The authority given by an institution, by a set of laws or policies or by virtue of one’s position, such as school principal, board president or city council member.

Legal: Rights and choices defined by law or policy. Related are the resources a person has to pursue legal action.

Information: Data and knowledge. If one party to a conflict has information that the other doesn’t then they may have power in a conflict.

Association: This kind of power comes from the connection with other people or groups, such as political entities, trade associations or any other organization.

Resources: The ability to control resources whether tangible in the form of money, labor or time, or intangible, such as reputation and stamina, is a significant source of power

Rewards and sanctions: The ability to confer benefits or rewards and impose sanctions or penalties.

Morals: Power can flow from an appeal to the values, beliefs and ethics or from an attack on the values of those with whom you are in conflict.

Personal characteristics: This kind of power derives from an individual’s inherent make up, such as their perseverance, endurance, intelligence, communication skills, determination, and emotional and physical strength.

Some of these types of power are compatible with each other while others are not. For example:

  • A person with tangible resources may be effectively able to use the threat of a lawsuit to negotiate a settlement.

  • The use of an appeal to morals may not be effective if one doesn’t have personal characteristics to evoke this use of power.

  • In the workplace context, a manager may have formal authority based on her position which was obtained by virtue of her intellect but her power may be diminished if she doesn’t have the skills to manage people on her team.

The amount of power an individual has is less important than how effectively it is marshaled. According to Bernard Mayer in his book, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution, “Sometimes it is important to use power to change a situation, and sometimes it is necessary to show a willingness to use power.” And sometimes is important to put clear power differences aside and create a more even playing field.

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WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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WEDNESDAY SKILLS - TONE OF VOICE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Your tone of voice can cause or calm a conflict

Tone of Voice

Try this. Say 'That's really interesting' in a normal and even-handed tone of voice. Now say it again in a bored tone. Now again in the way you would when you are surprised. Now try 'That's really interesting' with a sarcastic tone. What's the point? The same words can communicate a very different message dependent upon your tone of voice.

These days while we are doing so much communication remotely, we are missing out on much of the in-person body language we usually rely upon. Your tone is highly important to communicate effectively. Many conflicts are resolved or perpetuated by a tone of voice.

Your voice as a tool

You can improve your vocal tone and use your voice more effectively. Do you dislike hearing yourself on recordings? Most people do. Get over it, and start listening to yourself on recordings. Do you notice that you are using a sing-song cadence, and you would like to sound more even-handed? Give it a try. Have you been told you are too bossy and demanding? Listen to see if you can hear it in your recorded voice and try a new tone that is more inviting and collaborative. Would you like to speak more authoritatively? Work on having a more even tone and speaking more slowly. Would you like to use your voice to communicate kindness? Listen to see if you can hear yourself using tone that connotes kindness and caring.

Just like any tool, you can learn to use your voice better and more effectively. It starts with having a goal and intention, and setting forward on a journey toward improvement. And every journey begins with a single step or in this case a single word.

Conflict and vocal tone

This is a pretty surprising statistic. Some research indicates that between 80 and 90% of conflict is related to tone of voice. And under 10% is derived from the actual words. With so much riding on this one tool, it seems pretty important to pay attention to it and work to develop the tone of voice that you want to have.

If you have a conflict, this is an area to which you should pay close attention. Do you tend to have a higher or louder or more clipped and brusque tone of voice when you are in a conflict? There are things you can do to improve. Practice the tone of voice you would like to adopt. Record it and rehearse until you like what you hear. When you are stressed, work to speak more slowly and deliberately. Breathe. Then breathe again. When the adrenaline is flowing, it affects your vocal chords and this stress-filled voice will come across to the other person. You will want to consciously calm yourself so your voice can be a partner in conflict resolution and not a hindrance to the process.

Your voice reflects your thought process, more than you know. If you are angry, your voice will convey this emotion. That is fine if you choose to put this emotion across to the other person. But it should be a choice. You can train your voice to come across more even-handed and calm--it requires some self reflection and practice.

Individual vocal tone challenges

Everyone has a different set of vocal tone challenges. Have you heard from others that they notice something about your voice? Take this helpful feedback seriously. No one can change the actual mechanics of their vocal structure, but like any musical instrument, practice makes perfect and you can learn to use your vocal instrument more expertly. If you would like to be able to use your voice in the service of resolving conflicts, it can be done with some concerted effort.

Do this:

  • Record your voice. Do you like what you hear? Pick one specific goal that will help you come across in the way you intend. Keep recording. Or ask a partner to listen to you more carefully and give you feedback.

  • Article about vocal tone and conflict in the workplace.

Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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I TEND TO USE THE COMPROMISING CONFLICT STYLE

Using the Compromising Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Compromising conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the compromising style, located smack in the middle of the the chart, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Compromising can be a great method to come to a more fair outcome in comparison with the Avoid, Compete and Accommodate styles. Its a big improvement over these approaches which end up with Lose/Win, Win/Lose or Lose/Lose outcomes. In this context we can say that Compromise is Win/Lose -Win/Lose--a little bit of both for both people.

Imposed Compromise

Many are familiar with the orange story. Here's a quick review. Two sisters want the last orange. They fight. Frustrated mom comes, hears the argument and takes her knife and slices the orange into two halves, handing half each to her two daughters.

Compromise? Well sort of. In this case, its an imposed compromise. The girls didn't resolve it themselves, it was decided by another person--a powerful third party acting as the decider. Fair outcome? Whether its fair or not is up to the disputants, not the decider, so we don't really know. They each got half of what they wanted, it was resolved quickly, bingo bango. We don't really know, because the two disputants didn't get to figure it out with each other. This is important in any conflict resolution process. Someone else deciding is not optimal---though sometimes necessary in the interest of time.

Self determined compromise

If possible, though, allowing those in the dispute to decide what's fair would be better. Preserving their self-determination. Instead of imposing a solution, a neutral mediator would work to help the the two sisters to talk and listen to each other and to begin understand the other's perspective. Through mediation they might come up with an entirely different outcome--and decide it is a fair one that they like. Or they themselves might decide to cut the orange in half and even thought they only would end up with half of what they wanted, it would have been their own compromise, made together through discussion. A compromise determined in this way can help to preserve or build a relationship.

When is compromising style a wise choice?

There are many situations in which compromise might be the best method. For example:

  • When differences have been discussed and its time to move on.

  • When it is unrealistic to totally satisfy everyone.

  • When the goals of both parties have equal importance and merit.

  • When the situation requires a quick resolution, even if temporary.

  • When there's no time/energy available for collaboration.

  • When "splitting the difference" is the fair and best solution.

  • When the value of maintaining relationships is more important.

  • When the parties can agree to disagree and live with the decision.

Thoughtful Compromisers

Why do people tend to compromise? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These people are more likely to be objective in their assessment of differences and use factual information when weighing their options. Individuals with a thinking preference typically make pragmatic decisions based on deductive reasoning." Individuals who tend to compromise are aware of other's desires and are willing to engage in discussions to consider each other's ideas and interests. The idea of 'splitting the difference' appeals to their logical reasoning.

When is compromising not good?

Compromising is generally better than the other three styles mentioned previously. Talking it out and ending up with both individuals losing a little as well as winning a little sure seems like a pretty fair way to go. Right? Yet sometimes the material thing at the center of the dispute is not the real conflict--but a stand in for emotional or relational conflict. In this case the compromise may just delay the needed deeper discussion to get to the core of the conflict.

In the case of the sisters and the orange, a compromise was a quick but incomplete outcome. As those who know this classic story remember, the sisters wanted the orange for different purposes. One sister wanted to zest the peel for a baking project. With her half she had half the zest she needed and had to manage the baking with less. A win/lose. She threw the inner fruit away. Sister two had wanted to eat the orange fruit herself, and ended up eating half of what she wanted. A win/lose as well. Had the two sisters had the time and energy to talk the issue out, they would have learned this from each other. Both would have been able to collaborate and come up with a new outcome where both of them each got what they wanted. Having started each with the position, 'I want the whole orange!" they could have ended up with 'Both of us got exactly what we want." A Collaborative outcome--the conflict style that our organization tries to work toward when we mediate.

Do this:

  • Read this article about the compromising conflict style

  • If you tend to be an compromiser, look to see if you can push past the 'split the difference' quick fix. Can you collaborate on a new and creative way to resolve the conflict?

  • The compromise style in business, when it works and when it doesn't.

  • William Ury is looking for the 18th camel, looking for the win/win. Video here.

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MVMP to Waive Mediation and Conflict Coaching Fees through June 2020

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Nancy Grundman, Program Coordinator

As we all continue to comply with guidance to stay home until the public health crisis has improved, we would like to let you know what is happening with MVMP. We are continuing to provide our Conflict Coaching and Mediation services by conference call or by video conferencing. 

We have also been able to continue with many of our courses, trainings and workshops. We recently finished our Conflict Coaching class and are finishing up our Conflict Resolvers Course geared towards those individuals involved in public service. Both have continued through video conferencing. We will be rescheduling our Intro to Mediation class to the Fall. If you are interested in signing up please email us. 

Our Youth Mediators continue to meet through video conferencing to continue their training. Technology has given us the ability to continue operating even though everyone is in different places.

We, at MVMP, understand how stressful life is presently, 

  • some are learning new ways of working remotely and a new way to deal with colleagues, 

  • some are dealing with new financial realities,

  • some are dealing with family issues, and

  • some have previously unresolved small claims cases.

In solidarity with the Island Community and in order to do our part, MVMP will waive its fees for Conflict Coaching and Mediation Services until the end of June. We are committed to continue to help Islanders. As our tag line says, We Can Work it Out!

If you would like to make a donation to MVMP please go to MVmediation.org and go to Donate.  

MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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MATCHING THE RIGHT CONFLICT TO THE RIGHT SERVICES

Which conflicts are appropriate for which conflict services?

You may not have noticed it but we are all always swimming in conflict. We are so used to it, we don't notice that we have conflict all around. Its like the fish who encounters another fish who then asks "how's the water?" The first fish replies "water, what's water?"

Internal conflict, interpersonal conflict, workplace conflict, political conflict, spiritual conflict, historical conflict, international conflict, family conflict and on and on. There's a lot of conflict going around. Conflict can be depleting and demoralizing. In our work, we want to counter this common impression and to instead help people to see conflict as an opportunity to learn, grow, gain deeper understanding and to develop new innovation. Human history and development has been fueled by conflict and humanity's drive to overcome adversity. We have a hopeful approach to conflict.

Which services, systems and tools are the right ones for each different conflict job? Here's a quick overview.

Internal conflict

We all have internal conflict and there are various ways to make decisions. Most of us respond to internal conflict by puzzling it out on our own, weighing pros and cons, researching and giving our personal conflicts some time to become clear in our own minds. When a life pattern becomes a problem we might seek help from others such as support groups or friends and family. When difficult behavior patterns have negatively impacted the quality of our lives, a therapist, counselor or other professional can provide needed support. When patterns of handling conflict are the source of the internal conflict, conflict coaching can be helpful so the individual can work with a coach to develop new approaches to conflict.

Interpersonal Conflict

When a conflict arises that needs to be resolved between people, there is a continuum of how to handle that conflict. One individual involved can use conflict resolution strategies and reach out to the other person and negotiate a resolution. A trusted and neutral person can facilitate a discussion between the conflicting parties--creating a more positive environment for communication and shared understanding. Formal mediation may be needed, where a qualified and neutral mediator works with the disputants through a structured protocol.

When interpersonal conflict rises to a higher level, the process of conciliation/settlement conference can be the needed approach--usually within the legal framework and based upon law and legal precedents. Arbitration is a formal process that happens outside of court, but within the bounds of the legal system with an arbitrator--basically a privatized judge--deciding the outcome. At the farthest end of this continuum, we see court and legal rulings as the decision-making structure.

On this continuum (see below) we move from left to right, from fully self-determined to fully not self-determined outcomes. Picking the place to start is the important decision--unless you are looking for a legal ruling or to set a precedent in the law--farther over to the left would generally make the most sense. Community mediation programs can offer facilitation, mediation and conciliation services and help to empower the disputants and preserve their self determination.

Bullying, Harassment, Coercion and Manipulation

Last week we talked about bullying as a set of behaviors that are off the conflict resolution chart. Harassment, coercion and manipulation are there too--beyond the realm of conflict resolution services. These syndromes are based on the bully attempting to have power over another person--and these situations are not likely to be resolved through a solely mutual process. They must be handled by those in power, in alliance with the person being harmed. This is where the boss, principal, police and criminal justice system have to provide support for the intended victim. Once the situation is well in hand, the restorative justice system can be used in order to restore the dignity to the affected person and allow the offender to earn their way back to community acceptance.

Societal conflict

Public awareness, social movements, political involvement, community empowerment, economic advocacy, environmental activism are approaches to bigger and more structural conflicts in our world. Its important to pull the lens wider out to look at these societal conflicts in order to fill in the conflict picture. For those who are the targets of a structural system that causes discrimination and degradation, the individual conflicts are not easily solved in a case by case basis. The societal structure is the cause of the conflict. Looking back on social movements in the past that struggled to overcame such unfair structures, we can see that these movements are a part of the full spectrum of conflict resolution.

Do this:

  • Review the various services and methods of conflict resolution. Can you see places in your life and community where these services would be helpful?

  • Take a moment to look at all the conflict around you. Don't forget the political, economic and historical conflict upon which your life is built. Instead of hiding from conflict, try to find as many conflicts as you can. Write, draw or otherwise depict yourself swimming in conflict.

  • We are part of a statewide network of Massachusetts community mediation programs. Take a look. Resolution MA

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NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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NEW ATTITUDE - BANISH THE GOOD/BAD DUO

No More Good/Bad Binary

Right • Wrong

Wonderful • Despicable

Angelic • Devilish

Acceptable • Unacceptable

Right • Wrong

We've been taught to think of most things in terms of the binary. Meaning two. The unity of opposites. Ever heard these sayings, 'Two kinds of people in the world,' or 'There's a right way and a wrong way,' or 'Its not complicated, its either good or its bad.' We've all heard these ideas. Let's look at them a bit more closely and see what their effect is on our daily life and its inevitable conflicts.

This is not about opinion. You've got an opinion and want to call something good or bad , like 'beets are sooo good!' or 'no way, I can't stand collared shirts,' that's not what this is about. This point is about having inflexible, rigid and hardened judgemental thinking that divides things into the good and bad categories with a double line between.

Conflict and the good/bad binary

I've been doing conflict resolution and mediation for most of my adult life. And I'm not young. Fairly often I work with people who are operating with an unexamined belief in dividing human behavior into the good/bad piles. And they can't get themselves to move past that thinking to look at the actual, multidimensional person in front of them.

A homeowner has a renter who is behind on the rent. "I was always taught you should pay your debts." says the homeowner. The renter has had difficulties. Some of those problems might have been self inflicted. "I saw wine bottles in the trash. He can afford wine but can't pay the rent." The renter would like some time, would like to explain, is sorry. The homeowner ,in his good/bad system of thinking, can't move from his spot to expand his thought process and to consider working things out.

Somewhere in the "I was taught.." part of the dialogue is a belief that the speaker is good and the other person, in this case the renter, is bad. As a mediator it is hard to work with a person like this, because somehow throughout their life this person has developed a very binary way of thinking.

Conflict resolution--put the good/bad away for a while

If you've got a conflict, be aware of the looming good/bad shadow. Turn the lights on so this shadow doesn't impact your ability to see the whole picture. The thing is. everyone is good and bad and everything else at the same time. Its not two sides of a two dimensional coin. Try to push your judgement of the other person as 'bad' out of the way. Try to look at the complexity, and multi layered parts that are woven into the conflict. And if you find yourself judging; well then push past the binary. It sounds like this: "I was always taught you should pay your debts, but I don't always manage to do everything I was taught and I've made mistakes before. I'd like to know more about what happened and understand a little better."

If you want to perpetuate conflicts, then stick with the good/bad method. You can be sure to have lots of conflicts that way. If, however, you'd like to get better at resolving conflicts, consider abandoning the good/bad thinking. Open up a new door to the fascinating way of looking with an open mind toward others, without judgement and with interest in the complexity and unexpectedness of our fellow humans.

Do this:

  • No links or videos today, below are all the previous Working From Home topics. Feel free to share or revisit.

If you missed Day 1 through 25 check the previos blog posts

Have a great weekend. Thank your local farmer, the trash collector, Steamship workers and others who are in public service. And all the health care workers. Back on Monday.

I'm taking a staycation without the internet, phone or cable (well I think I might break down and watch netflix). No news all weekend! This is my gift to myself. Give yourself a gift, you deserve it.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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CONFLICT COMPONENTS - VALUES

What are your personal values?

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where values are in relationship with any conflict. Felix holds strongly to his value in the importance of family and and thinks its important to stay close with his family members on Martha's Vineyard. He also holds a competing value in being an independent gay man. One value seems to be guiding him to move off Island to a southern city with an urban experience. The other value presses him to stay on the Island close to his sister and the next generation. This is a conflict. Much of this internal conflict between values is playing out under the surface.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's values, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's values play out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so strongly driven by one or another set of values. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll As well, you will need to inspect values when you work to Analyze conflict

Conflicts are driven by values

Pick a conflict, any conflict. You don't have to look too deeply to see that the conflict is being fueled by each individual's values. In mediation we often hear, that 'its the principle' that is driving the energy around the conflict. Principles and values are relatively synonymous in this case. Fairness, truthfulness, attention to details, paying your debts. Put two divergent sets of values up against each other in a situation and presto, you've got a conflict. If individuals don't have a value that is being challenged, generally, there is not much of a conflict.

Do this:

  • Look at the big list of values below. Pick out your strongly held personal values. Try to put them into priority order. What value is most important to you? Where is it located in your life?

  • Talk to others in your life about their values. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

  • Look back on your past life. Have your values evolved since your childhood? Which values do you want to hold in the future?

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WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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WEDNESDAY SKILLS - ANALYZING CONFLICT

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use a conflict analysis checklist to understand a conflict

Analyze Conflict

Like any area of study, conflict can be analyzed. In the case of the do-it-yourself conflict analysis model, it comes in the form of a checklist. Each bullet point is an area to think about, gather related data and consider ideas beyond your first impression.

When you are thinking about the different ideas on the conflict analysis checklist, take some uninterrupted time to think a bit more deeply than usual. For some, writing ideas out can help. For others, drawing what they come up with is another way. Some people thrive on verbalizing--record your ideas into your phone or recorder.

Pick a conflict that really has you stumped. Use the conflict analysis checklist and work your way through it. Put it aside for a day. Pull it out a day or more later and think about any new ideas. One really interesting process is to do this before bed. The sleep on it lore has real merit. Your brain keeps functioning during sleep and you might wake with a new perspective on a problem.

Conflict Analysis checklist

Step One. Begin by figuring out what happened.

  • What is the story?

  • What is the backstory?

  • Where are things now?

Step Two. Try to remove your initial bias, judgements or assumptions.

  • Open up to the possibility that your first reaction might be entirely wrong.

  • Are you biased? Toward or against what?

  • Have you already made a judgment? Can you put your judgement aside?

  • What are your assumptions? Can you put your assumption aside?

Step Three. Define the conflict topics

  • The conflict is about...

Step Four. Find the conflict trigger

  • What was the the conflict trigger, the moment when you knew this was a conflict that matters to you?

Step Five: Figure out each person's goals

  • My goals in this conflict are...

  • The other person's goals in this conflict are...

Step Six: Look at the conflict through three lenses.

  • This conflict is related to my needs in the following way...

  • This conflict is related to my values in the following way...

  • This conflict is related to my self-identity in the following way...

Step Seven. Consider the power relationship

  • My power base in this conflict comes from...

  • My lack of power in this conflict is related to...

  • Power for the other person is connected to...

Step Eight. My conflict theory about why this conflict is happening

  • I think this conflict is happening because…

What do you know now?

That's it

Wait that's it? After I answer all these questions and think about all these aspects of conflict, what's the answer? That's what analysis helps with, thinking about your own approach and opening new ways of looking at a conflict that has stumped you. The above concepts are components of each important conflict. By going through the checklist, the idea is to see new ways of handling conflict. In the process you are able to open up to creative possibilities and new ways of going forward.

Conflict Coaching services

Martha's Vineyard Mediation and many other community mediation programs have Conflict Coaching available for those who want help in analyzing conflict. In our CLAMSHELL model we work 1:1 with clients over the course of two one-hour sessions, to work through the process of analyzing a particular conflict scenario. The goal is for the client to leave with a clear and self-determined plan to improve their approach to conflict. If you would benefit from working with a Conflict Coach, reach out to schedule an appointment, or to ask questions.

Do this:

  • There are lots of ways to analyze conflict, try some other approaches Conflict analysis approaches Its a pretty long article but if you page through there are few fun exercises.

  • Really interesting TED talk about conflict resolution--engaging conflict intentionally. This talk is a real treat, give it 10 minutes, you'll enjoy Robin Funsten's presentation.

  • Build your relationship with the person with whom you have conflict. You're stuck at home together, why not? Pick a conflict and go through the checklist independently and then share your responses.

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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I TEND TO USE THE COMPETING STYLE

Using the Competing Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Competition conflict style is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the competition style, located in upper left corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone competes at times and it's great to have friendly competition--life is a challenge and sometimes we are in the situation where we are challenged to get ahead, win against all odds, drive to the top. For some people, though, the competitive style is the only way they know to approach conflict.

When is competitive conflict style a wise choice?

There are situations in which competition might be deemed to be the best method. For example:

  • when there are personal differences that not likely to change

  • when preserving relationships is not critical

  • when others are likely to take advantage of noncompetitive behavior

  • when conflict resolution is urgent; when decision is vital in crisis

  • when unpopular decisions need to be implemented

Deciding to compete, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can resolve conflict.

Excessive Competing

Why do people tend to compete? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "The strategy of “competing” as a means of gaining power and control stems from early childhood and is reinforced throughout our years in school and college. Many children learn that they can obtain material objects as well as social control over people by using assertive, demanding or aggressive behavior. As they mature they use their talent to compete to “be the best”... or to socially compete to be popular and have status among peers. Some youth learn to deal with disagreements by persuading others to accept their position. Others use power negatively in the form of arguments, threats, intimidation, or physical fighting." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop competing as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is competition not good?

If competition is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively competing, the individual is putting their own needs ahead and above the other person's needs. Treating one's own needs as superior is not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only competes, the idea is to develop more comfort in encouraging others to assert their own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to aggressively pushing to get their own way, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are treated as an equal part of the conversation and where you consciously work to treat others more carefully-- not as people to dominate, but as partners who will share ideas to which you will listen. Find other venues for your competitive drive--competitive games are a healthy choice. Trying to win at all costs when a conflict arises, is likely to end up with bigger problem.

Do this:

  • Read this article about the competitive conflict style

  • If you tend to be an accommodator, look for people who tend toward competition around you. Try to assert yourself and encourage them to listen and include you more fully--a win lose is not really much of a fulfilling resolution.

Financial Conflict Coaching is Available!

Ken Andrichik, MVMP Board member

Finances are at the foundation of many disputes and conflicts. Individuals coming to the mediation table need a thorough understanding of their financial condition. Gaining that understanding often requires a deep examination of assets and liabilities, a more complete analysis than most people ever have to do. If you need assistance to get a handle on your situation, this article explains how the Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program (MVMP) seeks to build financial knowledge in our community.

A keen knowledge of one’s financial condition is crucial. Without it, there is no way someone can truly understand their financial needs and interests as related to a conflict. MVMP’s financial conflict coaches can help people negotiate more effectively.

For example, mediators are finding that many parties in a divorce or separation matter need help to complete the required Family and Probate Court Financial Statement; a form seeking details about income, expenses, assets, and liabilities. MVMP has experienced volunteers ready to assist either or both parties to gather the necessary information, and more importantly, to understand their financial position. Often in relationships, one party takes primary responsibility for money matters. If that relationship is to be ended or altered, BOTH parties need that knowledge.

The volunteers can assist with explaining things like:

·     What are my true assets?

·     How liquid (or easily accessible) are those assets?

·     What is the total picture of my liabilities?

·     What would it mean to change the amount or frequency of payments?

Coaches are NOT advocating for either party. Parties ultimately decide for themselves whether an offer or proposal is in their best interest. However, people make more informed decisions if they have a deeper understanding of their current financial status.

Contact MVMP to seek assistance from a financial conflict coach to prepare for a mediation, during the mediation to understand the ramifications of a proposal, or after a mediation if revisions to an agreement become necessary. Many parties may need help in trying to assess how virus-disrupted jobs or income might impact one or both parties!

MVMP is also planning workshops to build financial knowledge generally. The National Financial Capability Study 2018 found that the financial literacy rate among Americans decreased significantly from a similar study in 2009. We want to assist our community members to build their knowledge.

Watch for our session on “Your Income and Expenses” a presentation using materials from the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s Money Smart for Adults series! Through education and financial coaching, MVMP wants our community to have the tools to effectively resolve conflicts.

DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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DIGITAL WORLD AND CONFLICT

What do we know about conflicts in the digital age?

Hear the text notification. Open the phone to your email. Look on facebook, instagram or snapchat. Ever had an emotional reaction in any of these digital environments? Of course, it's natural.

Historical perspective

Our human ancestors developed in small family groups, most people knew each other. Conflict was in person, and the result was a shared result. There was a mutual benefit to resolving conflict--the clan needed harmony in order to overcome the world's hostile forces.

The printing press expansion of reading capability meant that the written word could spread one person's ideas far beyond their community. A raging controversy could be spread out over a long period of time as dueling publications sparred. In the industrial age, radio and television sped up the process.

The internet has only been in common use for twenty years. Texting and smart phones for a bit more than ten years. Facebook is sixteen years old. So we are the first generation living in the digital age. And in a very different way than throughout history, conflicts are played out in public on social media and online.

Quick judgement

Our ancestors survived because of our human ability to make quick judgments, Danger! Friend! Foe! For most of our history we needed quick thinking to survive. Today's digital communication turns the issue of speed on its head. Scrolling through twitter posts we can encounter a vast array of ideas and opinions. But while sitting on our couch with the world's knowledge in our hands--we are still the result of our evolutionary drive for survival. We are quick to judge. And the resulting reaction often looks like moral outrage in the person who has found themselves in an online conflict.

Moral outrage

There's recent research into the online conflict cycle. The combination of the quick response, adrenaline filled jousting and human nature to be drawn to spectacle can be a toxic stew for conflict. In the podcast linked below you can hear a fascinating look into this process. There may be an addictive aspect. Understanding what forces draw certain people into these debates is a new area of study. Keep your eye on this.

Bias and discrimination

The digital age has driven a new form of the us and them ideology--where people who differ, disagree or are unfamiliar become them and only those with our own embraced attributes are deemed as us. The mean spirited racism, misogyny, anti-Semitism, homophobia, regionalism etc, etc, seem to be byproducts of the present age. As Devorah Heitner says in her article linked below, "There is the tendency to feel less empathetic when there’s a screen in between."

Is there any bright spot?

The internet and all its tools can be a great support for conflicts, despite all the above.

  • Learning about the various ways that others live their lives through internet research.

  • Keeping in touch to keep the lines of communication open through email. text or social media

  • As we learn about the limitations of online messages, developing ways to be more careful about communication and removing conflict escalating language.

  • Mediation, conflict coaching and conflict facilitation take place easily over online platforms--usually video or phone conferencing.

Some ideas here

While we are all home and online more than usual here's some tips for not stirring up conflict on line:

  • Only allow yourself to write kind or neutral comments online.

  • Be aware that text is missing tone and body language, be overly careful communicating by text or email.

  • Walk away from online arguments, especially on social media.

  • Pick up the phone or video chat for difficult conversations.

  • Consider that anything your write on line lives forever.

  • Use the internet to undo your preconceived notions about other people and cultures.

  • Go out and take a walk in nature, with your mask and six feet apart if necessary.

Do this:

  • Read or listen to this great information about moral outrage and the internet. Is online moral outrage like addiction? Listen here

  • Look for websites or email newsletters with positive news and ideas. Examples: Yes newsletter Yes newsletter or Greater Good newsletter Greater Good

  • Research the other side, sign up to read information from the perspective on the opposite side of your opinions.

NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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NEW ATTITUDE - THE CONFLICT BUBBLE

Use the Conflict Bubble

Let's do some guided imagery now.

Locate the conflict. What do you call it? How do you describe it? Let's give it a name.

Now let's take the conflict and put it into a container. Can you see it? What kind of a container did you choose?

Now that we've got it defined and packaged, let's take it and put it into the conflict bubble in the middle of the table.

How big is the conflict bubble now? Let's leave the conflict bubble right there in the middle of the table, and keep a good eye on it as we go along.

The magic conflict bubble

It's like the magician at the kids party who pulls a coin from the child's ear. But in this case the mediator isn't playing a trick. It's a shift of perspective that is crucial in order to make progress in resolving a conflict. Put the conflict in the middle and separate it from the person.

This is because, fairly often, a conflict between two people becomes associated with the other person--the fully formed and multi-dimensional person. The conflict and the person becomes entwined. We blame the person, as a person, and don't separate their actions, attitudes and mistakes from them as a valuable person. We look at the person and see their part in the conflict, as if they are one and the same.

Observing the bubble as it expands and contracts

In mediation sessions I am often referring to the conflict in the middle of the table. I looks like the conflict is expanding dramatically. or Let's watch language and stop putting fuel on the conflict. or What do you think, have we taken most of the air out of the bubble? It's looking a lot smaller to me now. This imagined object can help to mark progress toward resolution or the lack thereof.

The idea is to be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Soft on the person because you need them to work with you to solve the problem, and you want your conflict resolution partner to be in good shape and not diminished. And hard on the problem, because that's what you want to solve. And if you work together with the other person, you might come up with something wonderful together. Or at least try.

Some tips for using the conflict bubble

You don't need to be involved in a mediation to use the conflict bubble.

  • Follow the steps above to remove the conflict from the other person. If you find the conflict and the person being merged after a while, do it again. The other person is not the conflict.

  • Make a list of all the good qualities the person has, remember that they are a full human being.

  • Draw the conflict bubble and put the conflict into it. There's something remarkable about the artistic process, it opens up your ability to see things differently.

  • Look for people who are already doing this, they are around. The clues are they never blame, never shame and talk about actions and data and do not mix up these matters with the actual human being.

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. Separate the problem from the person, put the problem in the conflict bubble. Be soft on the person and hard on the problem. Work on resolving the conflict and watch the conflict bubble deflate or disappear.

Do this:

  • Watch this video from the movie Marriage Story. Write a list about what's great about the other person, If things are really difficult, read it to the other person. Do it, don't keep it to yourself. The list

  • Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Separate person from problem

  • Read this article. Separate the person from the problem.

If you missed Day 1 through 18 check out the previous blog posts.

Have a great weekend. Thank your health care worker, cleaner, teacher, store clerk and others who are in public service. Back on Monday.

Thanks Dawn for the conflict bubble, the one in the picture. A gift much appreciated.

Yesterday the planet lost many people-each of them valuable. One was my colleague in the NYC school where I served before I retired. She died of Covid 19. Every life is important. Sandra, we will miss you.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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CONFLICT COMPONENTS - IDENTITY

Your identity and conflicts are related

Self identity

Tell me a bit about yourself. The question causes all of us to search through multiple identities. Parent? Spouse? Boomer? Immigrant? We all self-identify. Some of these identities are obvious, based on something out of our control: 1980s baby, tall, Spanish speaker. Others are based on our life choices: teacher, soccer player, parent. We all self identify and may have private identities that we only share with those who we hold close: fearful, stoic, snorer. As our lives move forward, our identities shift and change and we try our best to catch up

Public identity labels

Other people in our lives define us and ascribe identities to us that we accept or don't --or don't even know about: Smart, great organizer, good neighbor. Or not such nice identities: silly, unappealing, not one of us. Sally and Richard are best friends and do many things together. Often folks refer to each of them as husband or wife. People look, decide an identity and, without malice, label them as something other than they actually are.

The concept of othering is related to identity. This is when people set up an us and them binary. They turn a group of people, based on their identity, as the other. In a later posting we will focus on the concept of othering. For now let's just say, try hard not to do this. It's hurtful.

The conflict iceberg

The conflict iceberg gives us a good perspective on where the values are in relationship with any conflict. Richard is strongly attached to his identity as, let's say, a Martha's Vineyard resident (nope- not getting into the washashore, Islander, lifelong vineyarder question--not me). Something comes up that challenges this identity. If Richard strongly connects to this aspect of his identity, the conflict will be a stronger conflict for him. If Richard sees his Martha's Vineyard residency as a minor part of who he is, the conflict might be a small one, or maybe not even a conflict at all.

We can't see below the surface to see a clear picture of the other person's identity, in the section of the iceberg that is hidden. So we have to pay close attention and try to be aware of how other's see themselves and how their competing identities are playing out in the midst of a controversy. Sometimes people are surprised that they, themselves, are so attached to an aspect of their identities. That's why the rule is: the bigger the conflict, the slower you move. You have to study the other person and yourself and think about why the conflict has become so fraught. See Slow your roll

Identity groups

When we teach conflict resolution, we do an activity related to identity. Group yourselves with others who share your identity as.... People put themselves into a small groups and chat together. What's great about being .....? What's not so great? What do you never want to hear anyone say about people who are ..... These conversations are enlightening. "I never knew that ... people didn't want to hear..." say some people who are not in the group. "I felt powerful talking with my co-.... about what is great about who we are." "We are all something and we are all not something." was the comment of one of the recent participants.

Do this:

  • Look at the identity wheel. Pick out your identities and try to put them into priority order. What identity is most important to you?

  • Explore intrapersonal, Interpersonal, Intergroup and Transpersonal Identities.

  • Talk to others in your life about how they identify. Try this especially with others who have different backgrounds that you are less aware of.

  • Watch Taiye Selasie talk about her complicated identity. Where are you a local? Local

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Still Working from Home

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Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

We are home and doing our best to get through this time intact. Are you managing under the present circumstances?

In March the Mediation program was chugging along in one of our busiest months. Four courses up and running. About a dozen mediation cases moving forward. Some of us were planning to go off island for our statewide spring conference. We left one or another activity one day saying "see you next week!" And then. We didn't.

The new reality--its an overused phrase already. Who would have predicted that we would all know it means that we are staying far away from each other, learning new technology, checking the mirror to see our masked face. The news is grim and scary. We know people who are sick.

In difficult times, new ideas bubble to the surface. Otherwise, we would never have started writing a daily message about conflict resolution. Have you seen Working From Home the daily conflict resolution message? If not send us an email and we will add you on to the list.

Today two mediators held a perfectly normal mediation over a video conference platform. They were in different places, and managed to use their mediation tools and to help the disputants to come to an interim agreement.

The State conference happened on Monday. Online it took half the time and no one had to drive to see each other. Staring at ourselves in the video conference box, we found out what each other looks like in their living room, in their comfy chair, who has dogs and some interesting decor.

We are not under the mistaken impression that this situation is a good one. We know there is conflict out there, and we wish we could reach out to help more. And the inequities of the present moment seem particularly atrocious. We are thinking about each other and sending good thoughts to buoy spirits as best we can.

We were always in this together, though we might not have thought about it that way until now. Today, all of us at Martha's Vineyard Mediation are doing what we can to be a helpful part of our Island community. Let us know if there is something we can do to help you.

WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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WEDNESDAY SKILLS - NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Add this tool to your toolbox

Use Neutral Language

Words Matter

  • "It was that one word he kept saying over and over."

  • "She kept poking at the wound with her words."

  • "The conflict would die down and then they would blame me another time and it would just flare up stronger."

Words matter. They particularly matter when there is a conflict. When mediators sit down to listen to disputants' stories, we often hear conflict accelerants such as; She always, or He is so stubborn, or They were being idiots. In these cases the mediators have a superpower they use. It's called reframing into neutral language.

Focus on the facts

The person is talking about something the other person does that they don't like. They start with she always, when talking about the other person. The mediator revises that statement back to the parties by saying something like:

  • Sally has noted a pattern of ...(whatever the action is that is not liked).

Why is this important? The words she always, in this context adds fuel to the fire. The mediator, acting as the fire extinguisher, tamps down some of the heat and changes she always into Sally has noted a pattern. The mediator does this because the first phrase puts the recipient on the defensive, the second has the sound of a factual report.

Listen to your words

Do you accelerate conflicts with your words? When Richard had this pointed out to him he said, "What do you want me to do? Think about every word I say before I say it?"

Well, yes.

Some of us have never had to consider how our choice of words affect others. Now is a good time to do this. You or someone you know may think, 'well I am just plain spoken, I call things as I see them.' It is possible to be a straightforward speaker and still not make things worse.

Try Neutral Language

Try rephrasing what you start out wanting to say. Instead of You always do... (whatever is not liked) rephrase it to I'm wondering if we can find a way together to avoid ....(whatever is not liked).

Here's some words to avoid, not because they are bad words, but because they keep the conflict building. The recipient interprets them as an attack and then they go on the defensive. People attacking and defending are not resolving conflicts, they are in a war.

  • you

  • but

  • always

  • never

  • should

  • must

Instead of: Try:

  • Is that really relevant?

  • Ok. The point I hear you making...

  • What is your point?

  • Will you elaborate?

  • I don't think that will work...

  • Is this do-able?

  • If you're going to raise your voice I won't listen to you...

  • I have a hard time hearing what you are saying when you raise your voice.

  • I wasn't the one who...

  • Tell me more about that.

  • I'm not that way!

  • You're saying you experience me as...

  • Why are you making this such a big deal?

  • This seems really important to you.

Sounds like Kindergarten talk

Often when these ideas are raised, someone says. I can't say that, it sounds like the way they talk in kindergarten. It's sort of sad to hear this. Is it really true the only common space we treat each other carefully is when we are with young children? Hope not.

Don't use any language suggestions if they come across to you or others as superficial or condescending, that's for sure. If this is important to you, though, you can surely find a way to use more neutral language and improve your chances of resolving conflicts more quickly. Give it a try. Milk and cookies, nap time as well as talking kindly are good for everyone. So maybe the standard of kindergarten is a good place to start.

Do this:

  • Mediators' super power--reframing using neutral language: Reframe

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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I TEND TO USE THE ACCOMMODATION STYLE.

Using the Accommodation Conflict Resolution style

In mediation, facilitation and conflict coaching, we work to open up creativity in the conflict resolution process. That's in the upper right corner of the chart above. We help to develop a collaborative process where the result is a new creative problem solving outcome. These are win-win agreements. Conflict is diminished and communication and understanding is increased.

Accommodation is...

We don't always have the time required to do creative conflict resolution. As conflicts arise, our prevalent conflict approach is usually what we use. If you tend toward the accommodation style, located in lower right corner, then that's likely your go-to approach.

Everyone accommodates at times and it's great to be accommodated--life is a give and take and everyone puts the needs of others first at times. For some people, though, accommodation is all they know.

When is accommodation a wise choice?

There are plenty of situations in which accommodation is the best method. For example:

  • Preserving relationships

  • Supporting others

  • Other person in position of authority or power

  • Restore harmony

  • Better to end the dispute and move on

  • Provide customer service

Deciding to accommodate, while having other options from which to choose, can be an empowering choice and can help to resolve conflict.

Accommodating to a fault

Why do people tend to accommodate? As per Dale Eilerman, in his article below: "These traits were probably ingrained during childhood and may be reinforced by family, religious or other values. Individuals who have a tendency to be accommodating prefer the harmony, goodwill and reciprocity that is often associated with this behavior trait and feel that it serves them well most of the time." As well, individuals who are targeted by prejudice or discrimination may develop accommodation as a coping mechanism for survival purposes.

When is accommodation not good?

If accommodation is the only way an individual knows to resolve conflict, it's a problem. If exclusively accommodating, the individual's needs are being subsumed and the other person's needs are being treated as superior. That's not right. Everyone's voice should be heard and ideas should be shared and considered.

If you tend to be the kind of person who only accommodates, the idea is to develop more comfort in asserting your own ideas and interests. It's hard to change old patterns. For someone who is used to going along with other's ideas, this may be difficult. See if you can find a partner and try role playing a conversation where your ideas and opinions are asserted as an equal part of the conversation.

Do this:

  • Read this article about the accommodating conflict style

  • If you tend to be competitive, look for people who tend toward accommodation around you. Try to pull back and encourage their full participation in making decisions and resolving conflicts.

IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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IS BULLYING THE SAME AS CONFLICT?

Bullying & harassment = power over

Bullying experiences stick with us.

Sally has a memory she has held on to throughout her life. She is in her sixties now. She remembers her first Easter egg hunt when she was three years old. Arriving with her basket, she ran to gather candies. A booming voice from a big man hit her from behind, "Come here little girl. Bring your basket! " He motioned her to stand in front of him. Yelling, "Dump your basket. You didn't wait until I said 'go!' Rude little girl!"

There's more to the story, having to do with Sally's own reaction and her family's approaches. For now let's stick to the incident so indelibly etched in her memory six decades later. The big man, the booming voice, the word rude.

What is bullying?

Bullying can take many forms:

  • verbal - threatening, name calling, put-down, sarcasm, yelling

  • physical - punching, kicking, looming over or threatening physically

  • psychological - excluding, manipulating, gaslighting

Bullying includes the component of power over another person. There are a number of ways to deal with bullying, but conflict resolution strategies are not included. See the difference between them in the contrasting explanations below.

Why can't you approach bullying like any conflict?

Bullying and harassment are based on a power difference or perceived power differential. Bullying is about power over another person. Conflict is between two equals or relative equals--power with another person. Look at this set of contrasting definitions from the National Bullying Prevention Center:

  • Conflict is a disagreement or argument in which both sides express their views.

  • Bullying is negative behavior directed by someone exerting power and control over another person.

When you look at the above contrasting explanations, you can see the stark difference. The use of conflict resolution techniques, mediation or facilitation is built upon the equality or approximate equality between all parties. With clear cut bullying, a conflict resolution structure can serve to re-victimize the targeted person. The response has to be a different one including legal or use of organizational/personal authority. As well, the Restorative Justice circle approach to uplifting the victim and restoring the victimizer to the community.

This is the Conflict Styles matrix. (See day 1 and day 6.). Along the left axis is the Assertiveness scale--and Bullying is off the Conflict chart. As you see above and outside of the Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate section is t…

This is the Conflict Styles matrix. (See day 1 and day 6.). Along the left axis is the Assertiveness scale--and Bullying is off the Conflict chart. As you see above and outside of the Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate section is the Power Over territory.

I don't want to be a victim

There are laws and clear cut systems in place to address bullying. If in a workplace, there are laws that relate to ongoing and unaddressed patterns of this kind of behavior and the organization may have a procedure in place. Schools have been working to address these matters and continue to develop systems and structures. If in the home, domestic violence hotlines and social work organizations have approaches to help. If you want to address bullying and you are the target, seek help from powerful others who will help you to come up with a plan. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

I don't want to be a bully

If you are looking in the mirror and worried you might be looking at a bully, there are things you can do. Make this your self-improvement project. Seek help from a mental health professional and state your goal is to address this issue. Read everything about the topic. Tell the people around you that you are working to improve on this misuse of power. Look back through your life to find where you learned to use your power in this way. The first step is to admit there is a problem.

Put an end to bullying culture

In Sally's scene above, there was more to the story. An ally came to her defense. The bullying adult was addressed strongly by another adult. Be an ally to come to the targeted person's defense, if it is safe to do so. Call bullying and harassment by their names. We can end bullying if we all work together. Look below at the picture of all the little fish who were able to unite together. Use your own power when you can. Work with others when that is best. Try to not let bullying go unaddressed.

Do this:

  • Look around for bullying and harassment. Noticing and naming something is an important first step.

  • Have you been a bully or a victim of bullying/harassment? Seek help from others to work on your own approach to this.

  • MVMP offers conflict coaching, a 1:1 coaching process, designed to help you make a plan to work with others to address bullying. We do not provide therapy but can make referrals.

  • There's a series Anne with an E on Netflix now where a number of episodes show textbook examples of bullying toward the main character Anne. See the character Gilbert and others for examples of allies.

  • Workplace bullying or harassment? Here's an article about the problem. Workplace bullying

  • MVMP offers Restorative Justice facilitators who can help with the circle process.

NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

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NEW ATTITUDE: SLOW YOUR ROLL

The bigger the conflict...

the slower your roll

Slow your roll. Its a favorite image for conflict resolution. When there's a big conflict, sometimes your first instinct is to act quickly. Nip it in the bud. Cut to the chase. 1,2,3 and done.

Yes, if the issue is about safety or about a quick correction then quicker might be effective. If the conflict, though, is big and important; slower is better. There should be a correlation between the bigness of the conflict and slowness of your actions. Don't just roll along without careful consideration. Slow your roll.

Why slow?

We've mentioned in previous articles about aspects of conflict resolution that point to the need to reduce your speed. The need to remove your assumptions and consider the other person's perspective. The way the limbic/feeling part of the brain overtakes the cognitive and logical brain. The need to listen more carefully, The reality is, we will make more considered moves that have more chance of a better outcome if we slow things down.

Catch yourself before you can't

Like the rock on the incline, at some point if you can't slow or stop the speed of the conflict, your actions might make the conflict worse. And like the rock rolling down the hill, the effect of gravity and momentum will be hard to stop.

Some tips for slowing it down

What can you do if you are trying to learn to take it slower when a conflict arises? Here's a few ideas that might be helpful. Figure out what works for you.

  • Take your time and think about the conflict and all its aspects. Use a conflict analysis tool.

  • Go to the balcony--either metaphoric or real--and look down on the situation to see it from above.

  • Sleep on it.

  • Breathe in for 5 slow counts, breathe out for 8. This is a tried and true method that helps to clear your mind. When things get bad, we often forget to breathe. Oxygen helps.

  • Count to 10 or 20 or 100. For some just the process of taking this brief break can be effective.

  • Walk away, take a walk to clear your head and move your body.

  • Write it out. What is happening in the conflict? Put the words on paper. The writing process uses other brain centers and can open a new perspective.

  • Talk to someone trusted. Define the conflict and ask them to help you come up with a few ideas.

  • Walk in the other person's shoes. Take a moment to try to talk about the conflict from the other person's point of view.

Here's a mnemonic to help from the article below:

  • Setting a positive and collaborative tone

  • Listening and acknowledging feelings, emotions, and experiences

  • Observing and organizing from an outside perspective

  • Working to find a creative, win-­‐win solution

If you forget everything else, this is one to remember. If you have a big conflict, slow things way, way down. Slow your roll.

Do this:

  • Watch a video. Remember Gilda Radner's Emily Litella? If too young, here's a clip of someone who does the opposite of slowing things down- Never mind

  • Watch another video. This is William Ury, world renown conflict resolution and negotiation specialist with lots of ideas including Go to the Balcony.

If you missed Day 1, 2 3, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 here they are:

Day 1 Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Day 2 Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Day 3 Listening https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Day 4 Feelings https://conta.cc/33uxop7

Day 5 Change yourself https://conta.cc/2wrCd6h

Day 8 Conflict stages https://conta.cc/2wA8rMG

Day 9 Learned conflict styles https://conta.cc/2y4ySup

Day 10 Accusations into questions https://conta.cc/2JgUy8U

Day 11 Underlying needs https://conta.cc/39j5AFd

Have a great weekend--or the rest of the weekend, this is going out late.

Looks like we will be at this sheltering in place for a while, hope you can forward this to someone who might find it helpful.

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CONFLICT COMPONENTS - UNDERLYING NEEDS

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Underlying Needs and Conflict

Human needs drive conflict

Our lives are made up of the drive to satisfy needs. From the human need for food, water and sleep to the need for fulfilling relationships and the need for meaningful work, we can trace our life history through the process of meeting our needs.

Does having needs mean I'm needy?

The language plays tricks on us in this case. Being needy has come to mean that we aren't self sufficient and it has a bad connotation. That's different than what we do all day, every day for 24 hours a day. We satisfy our needs.

Need for Connection--I'll call my sister. Need to quench my Thirst--get a drink of water. Need for Security-check that I locked the car door. Need for increased Comfort--Turn up the heat. Need for Rest--go to sleep. All those bold words above are needs. We are so used to how the day goes, we don't really notice them, but they are there.

Not just you, everyone else.

Its enough for most of us to just get through the day and strive to meet our own needs. Yet, right alongside all of us are other people in our lives and with whom we interact who are doing the exact same thing. Working to satisfy their own needs. And although we are all human and have similar needs, they don't always intersect gracefully. By you working to meet your own needs, you are impacting on my ability to meet my needs. So we have conflicts.

Look through the needs lens

It's helpful to start to think about the actions of others in terms of meeting needs. Just making use of this lens helps to open up a whole new way of seeing what others are doing--especially when they are in conflict with our own way of thinking. Here's the way to use this lens.

  • The other person is doing/has done something with which I am in conflict (fill in the blank)______________

  • What's my need?____________

  • What do I think is the other person's need?____________.

Needs are not good or bad

This process doesn't work if you are going to then allow yourself to negatively judge other's needs. Needs just are needs. They aren't good or bad. Sometimes what seems like one need on the surface ends up being an underlying need that is something entirely different, and if we get up close and learn more about the other person, they are just trying the best they can to meet their own needs.

In the 1940s Maslow came up with the idea of the Hierarchy of Needs, meaning that there are some basic foundational needs and other levels that layer on top of those. Maslow thought it was a step by step process, but since then we have seen it can be much more random than that. See the image below for the basic idea of this.

Present public health crisis

Our needs quickly shifted a few weeks ago. We may have been seeking to meet our need for self-fulfillment and enlightenment and then with a swiftness we never expected, our needs today are more focused on the basics of food and safety. This moment is difficult for everyone and our coping skills are being put to the test. It may be a good environment for becoming more aware of the concepts of needs--your own and others.

Do this:

  • Start to walk through your days using the needs lens. Here's a list of needs--many more than you likely thought of. Big list of needs.

  • Read this short article reviewing the connection between needs and conflict. Underlying needs

Testimonials

“I was terrified when I came into the court. It seemed like the end of the world. Thanks to my compassionate and understanding mediators, I was able to have a productive conversation with someone I considered an adversary. I couldn’t believe we were able to work it out without going in front of a judge. Thank you MVMP.”

– Small Claims Client

“I was really not looking forward to mediation. But it turned turned out to be relatively pleasant. I really enjoyed working with the two of you. I plan to recommend mediation to others.”

– Divorce Client

“You brought us all together. It was awesome. I am so relieved. All our people felt uplifted, more united and part of a team. In particular one Board member said she felt she was taken care of with kindness and wisdom. We all know each other much better, have defined our work together and are in such better shape than we were when we started. Thank you MVMP.”

– Facilitation Client

“If you have the chance to do Conflict Coaching, DO IT! It was eye opening for me. My coach was kind, insightful and such a great listener. Most importantly, I learned so much about myself and about how I handle conflict. I now have a good, solid conflict management plan for the future.”

– Conflict Coaching Client

“It was valuable to help me handle a current conflict in my workplace. Putting a positive spin on conflict was an eye-opener for me. It gives me a structure to address problems. We had a very serious conflict at work recently so this is very important and relevant to me right now.”

– Workplace Conflict Management Services