Todos pertencemos. Unidos somos mais fortes.

We all belong. Together we are stronger.

We’ve all got families: birth, chosen, adoptive, step, nuclear, extended. Whatever type of family is yours, along with the joys and shared milestones, there’s sure to be a common factor: conflict. Although each family constellation is unique and special and may be united by love, respect, and shared values, all families do have some unresolved conflicts. In my experience, there are common family conflict themes. Money, communication, and time are three familiar topics. 

There are all kinds of time and we’ve each developed a diverse menu of time types. How each individual handles time and how time decisions affect others are often a source of conflict. Time causes conflicts. Time can resolve conflicts too.

You know about lanes. The remarkable thing about street lanes is that they are understood, respected, and effective for drivers as we all go about our lives. People stay in their lanes without a whole lot of fuss and bother. We count on lanes to keep things simple, safe, and predictable.

How and when and where did you learn about how to handle conflicts? Most of us have learned our personal conflict management approaches from the modeling of others. Throughout your life you were watching, observing, considering, and trying out new methods and developing your own style as a conflict resolver.

A number of years ago a friend was having difficulties with her son. I thought that watching the kind and firm dog trainer on TV might help her to learn how to stay more consistent and clear with her son. A few weeks later she had recorded a number of episodes, and her son asked her, “Are we getting a dog?” 

Conflict and dispute resolution is a difficult process for folks to wrap their heads around. As mediators and other conflict resolution service providers seek help participants, they find themselves drawing upon various types of figurative and symbolic language. As Tammy Lenski, conflict resolution researcher and practitioner, writes: “The way we frame a problem has a powerful impact on the solutions we can see . . . metaphor(s) orients us differently to a conflict and influences how we think, act, and resolve it.”

I took advantage of the pause, “So you are the landlord and––” She cut me off. “Of course I’m the landlord, don’t you get it? She’s the monster. I’ve done everything right! She’s the one who caused this, all of this. She’s in the wrong! I’m out tens of thousands. Make her pay!”

Honeysuckle scent, sleeping late, warm days with no schedule, corn on the cob, fireflies. These describe my childhood memories of June freedom. I grew up in the Northeast of the United States, where the summer season was eagerly awaited throughout the cold and dank months. June freedom meant our lives were free and easy. 

“My dad told me that if someone needs you, they call you, and if they need you, you go.” Most experienced mediators have said something similar to this quote from Jerry Roscoe. He is the mediator that was called in at the eleventh hour to the Dominion/Fox court case. If you haven’t been paying attention, the case settled at the very last minute, as attorneys were loading up their court slide decks and the jury was ready to be seated.

My sidekick NPR radio and I were driving to the boat. This followed a busy visit off-island to see family. On the radio was Jon Meacham, the historian, suggesting which historical era was most similar to the present day. “I thought that our current moment was like 1933 or 1968.” I started thinking about history. 1933––post financial crash, labor movement, and rise of fascism. 1968––civil rights, women’s movement, Vietnam. Interesting thought experiment. 

I had no idea how revolutionary the times were. In 1972, I learned the Chinese saying “Women hold up half the sky.” It represented my dreams and aspirations. What an exciting picture from halfway around the world of women working and collaborating. This was not a world of men, but of men and women, each equal and valuable! The revelatory concept of having international sisters uplifted me and gave me hope.

Thrum. Thrum. Bong. Bong. Step. Step. The sounds of the Queen of England’s funeral events had a somber musical score to match the occasion. A riveting theme for Britain and around the world. Throngs of well-wishers lined the avenues. Some commented that, despite the deep divides in that county and the vestiges of the colonial empire, the event of her death was uniting. At least for a historical moment.