Celebrate the Graduates

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

CELEBRATE THE GRADUATES

You can learn to help others resolve conflicts

In this midst of the graduation season, however transformed in the current situation, there are some graduates you may not have heard about. This week three groups of conflict resolution students finished their coursework.

The Conflict Resolvers

This group met once a week for the last three months to develop conflict resolution skills and tools. Most of these participants are involved in public service. They met by video conference in a supportive group who took on many difficult concerns. Here are some of the topics in the course:

• Defining conflict

• Conflict metaphors

• Conflict styles

• Analyzing conflicts

• Effect of conflict on our stress levels

• Becoming better listeners

• Using neutral language

• De-escalation techniques

Congratulations to the graduates of the Conflict Resolver course. You will make a difference!

The Youth Mediators

Their classmates are performing their musical concerts by video conference and missing the prom. These ten MVRHS students have managed a unique milestone. They have attended 15 or more hours of training as youth mediators. Sitting on their beds with their pets in their laps and handling uncooperative internet, our newest and youngest mediators worked hard to become ready and willing to help other young people to resolve their conflicts. In their classes they learned about:

• Mediation principles: Confidentiality, Neutrality, Voluntariness, Self-Determination.

• The structure of mediation: Introduction, Hearing conflict story, Encouraging negotiation, Finalizing agreement.

• Asking open-ended questions

• Being professional

• Using patience

• Being self-reflective

They are remarkable young people, with poise and commitment. Their work is ahead of them. They are ready to help. We should all be proud.

The Conflict Coaches

These mediators participated in the initial training in the practice of conflict coaching. Even though they are all experienced mediators, they seek to learn how to work 1:1 with clients who want to improve their approach to conflict. Working as a coach is different than leading the process of mediation. The course looked at the following concepts:

• What is coaching?

• Listening like a coach.

• Using feedback.

• Probing for needs, values, identity.

• Analyzing internal and external conflict

• Surveying mutuality. 

• Using the pro/con tool for planning.

Now those who are going forward toward full qualification will endeavor through an apprenticeship, participating in a number of practice coaching cases, with ongoing supervision and feedback.

Good news

Its a difficult time, the curent events and our lives are challenging. Yet, there is good news. These fine people took their time, their brains and their commitment and worked to learn new skills to help other people. Its heartening to know there are folks among us who are looking to make things better.

If you are interested in learning skills in the conflict resolution area, reach out to our organization or to your local community mediation group. Mediators, Conflict Coaches and Conflict Resolvers are not born--they are developed through learning and dedication.

Congratulations to all the graduates!

Learn more:

• What is conflict coaching? Article

• What is youth mediation? Article

• Conflict resolution in public service. Article

• Finding my local community mediation program. In Massachusetts. In the US

You Can Apologize Better

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

YOU CAN APOLOGIZE BETTER

The apology

It’s hard to apologize. OK that's the end of the column. Thanks for reading.

Well there is more to say about apologies and their use value in handling conflicts. But, let's just hover here for a minute. It is really hard to apologize well, to gather your thoughts, become humble, show genuine remorse and to communicate your 'I'm sorry' effectively.

Why are apologies so hard? My conflict resolution teacher Tammy Lenski writes about her struggles to apologize, and notes that fear is a factor.

• As I contemplate the apology, I notice that fear colors what I’m anticipating may happen. All the images in my head cluster around fear: She will lash out. Others will hear. She will not accept the apology. She will write me off. She will be holier than thou. She will insult me as someone who cannot walk my own talk consistently. I will feel shame.

Apologies are asked for in mediation fairly often. Sometimes it’s exactly what is needed, and the person who apologizes does it with care and sincerity. Other times, though, the request for apology becomes a battle ground. As a mediator it is possible to help people to find a kind of side door to an apology. The person may not actually apologize, but the purpose is served in other ways. The mediator asks some well-crafted questions. Some might be:

• Talk a little bit about what you want them to understand — the reasons behind your wish for an apology.

• Why is an apology important to you?

• What would an apology from them signal to you?

• Can you talk about the impact of their words/actions on you?

These questions get to the interests underneath the request for an apology. If you missed the column on interests in conflict resolution you can read it here. Even if the apology is not forthcoming, the underlying concerns can be unearthed. Hopefully this leads to better communication between both parties, even if an actual apology might not be forthcoming.

Bad apologies

We have all experienced bad apologies, and maybe been the recipient or the creator of some bad ones ourselves. There are so many examples of bad apologies, this aspect of the topic almost goes without saying. Research shows the following are the top four ineffective apology approaches.

• Failing to take meaningful responsibility.

• Focusing on their own good intentions instead of the impact of their words or actions.

• Using "if" or "but," as in "I’m sorry if you were offended" and "I'm sorry, but you took it the wrong way."

• Sounding rote or mechanical, or coming across as uncaring or disingenuous.

How to apologize better

Recent research looked into possible components of apologies. Two stood out as more effective. If you are trying to craft an apology make sure to include both of these, if you want to make a difference in the situation.

• Acknowledge your responsibility. This demonstrates willingness to “own” the impact of your words and/or actions.

• Offer to repair the damage that was done. This helps restore tangible and/or intangible effects resulting from the deed.

Of course these two ingredients of an effective apology could be in place, and yet the apology may fall flat. That's because the apologizing person must use sincere and earnest body language, a positive vocal tone and a conducive setting. Mediators and conflict coaches can help clients to prepare for an apology by rehearsing all these components.

Core Values

Conflicts are related to values. People have conflicts when their values are challenged or when something happens that goes against their values. Apologies are related to core values as well. A research study looked into this and found that, "When people focus on their core values, they seem to become more willing to sincerely apologize" Karina Schumann from the University of Pittsburgh and her colleagues asked participants to write about the personal value they rank highest and in referencing these values, the individuals showed more willingness to apologize with sincerity to the other person. Mediators, conflict coaches and associates of those involved in conflicts might reference core values as a way to help the apologizing person put things in perspective.

Do this:

• Four types of apologies article

• Why is the apology so hard? article

• Public apologies that worked. article

• Try an apology journal, write out all the apologies you wish you said in the past.

You Are Responsible for What You Think

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU THINK

You can take control of your thoughts

You have heard that you can control your own actions. And that you should. But control your thoughts?

Yes. You are in charge of what you think. And taking control of your own thoughts can make a big difference in resolving conflicts and strengthening your relationships.

Conflict happens because of thoughts. Sounds obvious, right? Of course it is. Both people have thoughts, opinions, ideas. These concepts lead to actions. And sometimes the actions of two people are in conflict.

Working on your thoughts

If you want to learn how to take responsibility for your thoughts, in order to more effectively handle conflict, a checklist may help. Training yourself to move beyond reactive thoughts, and to work your way through a checklist can help you to more effectively control your thinking. Everyone needs a different checklist, you can come up with your own based on your own challenges.

Why a checklist? Because when you are triggered or have had your values challenged, the tendency is to react. You need training to not react too quickly. Just like the trained airplane pilot, emergency room doctor, mechanic or other skilled professional; a standard list can lead you to expand your thinking in the moment. This is called a heuristic, a mental shortcut that allows an individual to make a decision, pass judgment, or solve a problem quickly and with minimal mental effort.

Conflict resolution heuristic example

Below is one checklist that can help train your brain. Everyone can develop their own. Try using a checklist like this in order to walk your thoughts through the consideration of any conflict. Start with low level situations. Any new habit requires practice and intention.

When a conflict arises, you might want to walk your thoughts through this checklist:

• I might be wrong. Be open to changing your ideas.

• The other person has taken actions for a good reason.

• Is there a question I could ask that would help me understand?

• My emotions may be telling me something about myself.

• I might see things differently in the morning.

• I have learned from other conflicts, I can learn from this.

Do you see how this works? Its a shortcut that you can use to work your way through, in order to not be mired in the muck. If you take your thoughts by the hand, put aside unproductive ideas and open a new route to take, you can develop a more well trained mind. You can take responsibility for your thoughts.

Do this:

• You are responsible for what you think article

• Workplace responsibility for your thoughts article

• Another article

No More Shame and Blame: Want to fuel conflicts? Try shame and blame.

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

NO MORE SHAME AND BLAME

Want to fuel conflicts?

Try Shame

and Blame

• He did it!

• Its all your fault!

• When I find the culprit I'm gonna...!

• You should be ashamed of yourself!

Here's the thing about employing the shame/blame dynamic duo. They don't solve the conflict. They don't analyze the problem. They don't help us to learn from our mistakes. They make people miserable and accomplishing next to nothing. They don't build trust. Blame and shame culture will harm any relationship or organization in short order. Blame and shame does nothing but make folks feel bad.

So why are we living in blame/shame culture? Its not entirely clear. There's some anthropological and historical conjecture about our species' approach toward individuals who veer from the group or who harm others. There does seem to be an epidemic going on. Present day self-help and support articles attempt to help people whose lives have been ruined by intensive blame/shame. For whatever reason it exists, let's move beyond it.

Blame/Shame use in conflict

Louise has a conflict with Marian. Louise says to Marian, You did this awful thing. Its all your fault!

What might be Louise's reason for saying that?

• Louise wants to make Marian feel bad.

• Louise wants to get Marian to take responsibility.

• Louise is so angry and thinks saying this will make her feel better.

• Louise has had others blame her and thinks that's what she should do.

No matter the reason Louise says it, it does not do any work in the conflict. By blaming Marian, she is shutting down any possibility for an open dialogue. Maybe Marian did do that awful thing. And how does blaming help the situation? Louise's blaming her puts her in a defensive position, having to protect herself or to hurt Louise back. And then? Nothing is accomplished.

Blame and shame have lifelong effects. Think of the times it has happened to you. Some have a childhood or adult full of blame/shame. It is a depleting and dehumanizing experience to be blamed and shamed.

The person is negatively affected. The blamer is also negatively impacted, in that the process leads to a dead end. Hurting others, making them feel bad about themselves, creating an atmosphere of fear does not build anything positive. Individuals who insist on blaming others, and in so doing shaming those who are targeted, tend to be power oriented and quick fix thinkers. In the end, they do not make things better.

In the article below this quote is highlighted, “The only thing people learn from being blamed is to become better at hiding their mistakes.” If that's your goal, go ahead--blame and shame away. But if you want to create a positive, learning culture, here's a great comparative figure showing the differences between an environment that is working toward mutual accountability and the blame/shame culture.

So what to do?

If you want to resolve a conflict, move your thought process away from blame and toward problem solving. Can you ask a question? Can you listen? Can you find something to learn from the situation? Can you lend a willing ear to let the other person work things out, take responsibility, apologize, face their mistakes? People do not tend to open up when they think they are not safe. Be the safe person who is making a connection and trying to figure things out with the other person. Put the blame/shame away locked up tight. If this is the other person's worst day, don't you want to be the one who says, "We all make mistakes. I do too. Let's see what we can do to fix this."

In conflict resolution, the mediator, coach or facilitator has to work hard to move the person who is intent on blaming. Until they advance past blaming, a resolution is unlikely. Sometimes it takes asking the right question such as:

• How could this problem be avoided in the future? 

• What can be done support learning from this experience?

• What do you want from the other person, and what can they do to make it right?

• Do you want to resolve this?

Try to do what you can, at least notice where blame/shame rears its ugly head and name it when you see it. Try this: "Let's not blame and shame. Instead lets look to the future and not try to hurt each other." Sometimes that's all it takes, to point things out for what they are.

Do this:

• Blame and shame culture in the workplace article

• Culture of accountability instead of blame article

• Blame and shame in relationship conflicts article

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY: In conflict situations, try not to personalize

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY

In conflict situations,

try not to personalize

You have a conflict and are trying to sort it out. What can you take responsibility for and what does not really belong to you? You are trying to be honorable and honest with yourself and the other person--you might have been at fault for some of it. Is there something you can apologize for? What about the other person, do they have some responsibility too? Do they see things differently than you? Can you learn more by talking to the other person? To a trusted ally? What should you do?

One important thing to do is to try not to take it personally. In this context taking it personally refers to the negative self talk that can happen when we over-personalize difficult situations. Some of us can beat ourselves up. When you take things personally, your ability to resolve the conflict is dramatically diminished.

An example

Here's a story from the article linked below:

The other day I was in a building running an errand. As I walked through the lobby toward the exit, a woman I didn’t know walked past me. As she did she said, “Buenas”–which is a standard greeting–, and I answered, “Buenas”, and kept going. Then I heard the woman say: “You’re so rude. Learn some manners. When someone greets you, you should greet them back.”

I stopped and turned around, and I saw that the woman was talking to me. Obviously, she didn’t hear me when I answered her greeting. In addition, it was evident that she had concluded that I simply chose to ignore her, and she took it personally. Given her state of agitation, it was clear to me that she felt slighted. I told the woman that I had responded to her greeting, and it wasn’t my fault that she didn’t hear me. Then I left. What I really wanted to tell her was that she needed to learn how to stop taking things personally.

Whenever I walk into an elevator and there’s already someone in there, I say “Buenas”, because that’s a cultural practice in Latin America. Most of the time people answer my greeting. But sometimes they don’t. And when they don’t, I don’t take it personally.

In this story, it seems obvious that the quick public conflict was related to someone who was evaluating events through a super personalized lens. "Learn some manners..." is an assumption. It seems to come from a person who believes their immediate reading of a situation is fully accurate and worthy of comment. "When someone greets you...." indicating a grievance that comes from believing that someone has not treated this person respectfully. Quick to anger, quick to engage and in this case, inaccurate.

Reorient your thinking

Don Miguel Ruiz writes a lot about not taking things personally. He considers it to be one of four life rules for healthy living. He says, "Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are...(what)... they have in their own minds." We all have been negatively affected at one time or another by what others have said or done. The idea is to move through a kind of mental checklist in order to stay in reality and to work to be logical and thoughtful. A checklist like: I'm doing the best I can. Check. The other person may not see it the way I do. Check. What other explanations can there be? Check. Even if the other person doesn't do or say what I want, it may not be about me. Check.

Conflict and personalization

If you can move beyond taking things personally, you can be open to a new conflict narrative. You can be open to what is happening for the other person and be a learner. You can be self reflective and learn about yourself. You can be a willing partner in the process of working things out. Even if other people are personalizing the situation, you can have the intention of staying open and willing to be a creative thinker. This does not mean being a doormat. It means not internalizing others' opinions of you--or setting yourself up to be easily harmed by others. Hold to your own principles and stay open to what others can offer. Its not easy. In a conflict, don't take things personally.

Do this:

• Watch a quick video showing the importance of this in workplace conflict video

• Watch Oprah learn about not taking things personally video

• Read an article here or here