WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

WEDNESDAY SKILL: LEARN TO USE NEUTRAL LANGUAGE

Language Matters:

Turn accusations into questions

Paulo Freire, Brazilian educational theorist, famously said "language is not neutral." Linguists agree with this, all language and vocabulary have some intention, shade of meaning, implication, cultural effect. So then should we give up on improving our language use? No way.

Turn accusations into questions

Even without much change in vocabulary, a really great way to create a better foundation for positive conflict resolution, is to reorient accusations. Turn accusations, even if you are pretty certain that the conclusion is correct, into an open and sincere question.

Here's some examples of accusations:

• You took the car even though you knew I needed it!

• I know you tried to undermine me and set me up with the boss!

• You always expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it!

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I saw how you looked at him!

Sound familiar?

How do you reorient an accusation?

Step One. Start with the beginning of the sentence. Look above at the list, they all begin with "You," "You always" or "I know." What happens to a person when they hear a statement that starts that way? We are generally on guard. Right from the beginning it seems to be setting up the weaponry to lob a missile--the other person gets ready to fight, defend or take cover. Not such a great way to begin to communicate, right?

Instead start with a few open-ended question stems:

• I wonder...

• I've been thinking about...

• I've got a question...

• Would you help me to understand...

These beginnings and many others, provide an invitation to the other person to communicate and participate.

Step Two--Tone and attitude

Next, let's remove the exclamation point, which requires a lowered tone. If you are initiating the conversation, the necessity is for calmness and openness and not rushing forward headlong. And to put your assumptions aside and be open to the possibility that what you are concluding might be faulty.

To lower your tone, you need to ask yourself, 'Am I trying to hurt the other person or am I trying to solve the problem?' If you honestly want to hurt the other person, take a break, re-evaluate, focus on why you want to ultimately preserve the connection. Then, when you are calm, try the next step.

Step three-- Revise

The third step is to reorient the accusation and turn it into a question. The statements above then become:

• I wonder if you took the car even though you knew I needed it? or I wonder why you took the car? Did you know that I needed it?

• I've been thinking about this...I know you tried it seemed like you were trying to undermine me. Did you try to set me up with the boss? or Did you think about how this would affect me with the boss?

• Would you help me to understand...You always it seems to me that you expect me to pay and you know I can't afford it? or Did you know that I can't afford it?

• I know you are trying to steal my boyfriend, I've got a question..I saw how you looked at him .... I'm wondering...what did that mean?

Remove You, You always and I know

Unless someone says "You are the most amazing person" (Say this more!) or "I know where some great dessert is" (Yum) or "You always have the best ideas (Thanks); work to remove these starts to any communication. They don't work.

It is so difficult to change habits, don't be hard on yourself. Setting up the intention to try a new way of talking is the first step--and every journey starts right there.

Do this:

• Think about how you start a difficult conversation. Are you setting up a war or conversation? Consider how you start things off. Put some effort into working to set up an invitation with your words and remove accusations.

• Search for accusations in your daily life. Try to see if you can use the tools above to transform them.

• Or read a related article on communication Intimate relationships or Workplace relationships.

There are a lot of further topics within this discussion. Look for future articles on Judgement, Blame/Shame, Pride, Defensiveness, Assumptions, Loaded questions and Better questioning among others. Do you have a topic, let us know.

Good luck with your journey.

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

TUESDAY: CONFLICT STYLES

Conflict Styles are learned

Five Conflict Styles

The five conflict styles, Avoid, Accommodate, Compete, Compromise, Collaborate describe most approaches to conflict. Where do these approaches come from? They are learned.

During conflict resolution courses, we put people together in small groups. "What did you learn in your home before you were five about how conflict is resolved?" Everyone gets time to talk and consider their memories. The next question: "How about in school in your first years?" Then: "Talk about conflict in your first love relationship." And: "Talk about conflict lessons from the workplace." Our conflict resolution lives are built upon the stacked up lessons from our lived culture and current events.

Family models for conflict styles

By reviewing these experiences, individuals can develop an understanding of where they have picked up messages about conflict. As in most core concepts, the family is the strongest teacher. "My mother avoided all conflict, in fact from her point of view, there were no conflicts." This quote comes from a workshop participant who was considering why she feels so uncomfortable acknowledging any conflict. Another person in the workshop recounts how she was taught to compete and be aggressive when conflict develops. "My grandfather always told me, don't swing first, but make sure you are the last one to land a blow and make sure you win." A first generation citizen from an immigrant family recounts, "I realized my family was so fearful, they put up with everything and never tried to advance their own cause."

Workplace conflict

For many, the workplace is not a location where positive approaches to conflict are modeled. We have bosses who don't collaborate or colleagues who utilize unsuccessful conflict styles. At work, where many of us spend most of our waking hours, these approaches become solidified in the organizational culture. The conflict elephant grows and takes up more space, negatively affecting the lives of all those in the workplace.

What has been learned can be revised

The good news is that we can all learn new ways to resolve conflict. And as we work to collaborate with others in order to come to agreement, to compromise in a healthy way, to use our creative problem solving process; we help to model for others a better way. At home, our children will learn better methods for conflict resolution than the ones we adopted by default.

Do this:

• Look at the chart again. Which style did you learn at home? As a young adult? As an adult? From whom did you see these styles modeled?

• Look for models of compromise and collaboration/creative problem solving. Keep a chart of where you see these models throughout your life. Find good models to study.

• Set a goal for yourself with regard to your conflict style. Try a new style. Tell someone close to you that you are going to try a new way, see if they can work with you to do this.

• Read this article about conflict styles in the family Family conflict styles

• Read this article about conflict styles in the workplace Workplace conflict styles

If this was forwarded to you, sign up to receive this newsletter.

The Five Stages of Conflict

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MONDAY CONFLICT CONCEPTS

The Five Stages of Conflict

Conflict has predictable stages

We become aware of conflicts in a wide variety of ways.

• "That conflict came out of the blue. Boom!"

• "It was brewing for a long time. Like a slow-motion train wreck.."

• "We have never seen eye to eye."

• "All seemed to be going well, but under the surface.."

• "I genuinely had no idea we had a problem..."

In whichever way they begin, conflicts tend to have similar paths going through five distinct stages.

Stage One- Latent

A conflict has an early quiet stage. In conflict resolution theory it is called the latent stage, meaning the participants are not yet aware of the conflict, but there may be hidden frustrations and they may surface at any time. Sometimes these brewing or buried conflicts never find their way to the open air. Other times the conflict is looming and evident. And sometimes conflicts come without warning.

Stage Two- Perceived and Felt

Once a conflict develops and it is known, it goes through the perceived and felt stage. Parties may go through this stage simultaneously or at different times, depending upon events. Once they are aware that a conflict exists, individuals begin to feel stress, anxiety and/or hostility.

Stage Three- Conflict Approach

Next each person involved in the dispute adopts an approach. These are based upon their conflict style choice and their own intention for handling the conflict. In Day 2 we learned about the basic conflict styles of Compete, Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, and Collaborate/Creative Problem Solve. These approaches make a difference in what happens next.

Stage Four- Stalemate or Negotiate

Depending on what strategy is used in Stage 3, the conflict will either move forward, negotiate toward an agreement; or the dialogue will be shut down and a standoff will develop.

Stage Five- Aftermath

The outcome of the conflict can range from a fully positive resolution to the alternate; a relationship dissolution. In conflicts that are a one time event, this may be the end. For those with ongoing relationships this process looks less like a singular mountain, like the figure above and more like an ongoing loop.

Why pay attention to stages?

Our work is to know more about conflict in order to address these situations in a thoughtful and enlightened way. When you are thinking about how to handle a conflict, looking at where things stand along the typical route, can help.

Do this:

• Use this. Take a look at the step by step approach in the figure below and see if you can take a conflict and track how it has proceeded through the stages.

• Read this. A longish chapter but lots of great info here: Five stages of conflict.

• Try this. If you have a conflict moving from the the latent stage into the perceived & felt stage, tell the person you are aware of the conflict. See what they say. Did they know there was a conflict? If not, now they do. You can then say, "I would like to work this out. Can we talk?" Then use your best listening skills to find out what is driving the conflict from the other person's point of view.

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

FOUNDATION FRIDAY: CONFLICT RESOLUTION BUILDING BLOCKS

Core Conflict Resolution Concepts

You can't change anyone but yourself

Trying to change other people

After decades of work in the conflict resolution world, there's something that happens quite often. Let's set up the scenario. An individual takes a conflict resolution class. They learn about an approach to conflict and begin to use the approach. Try their best. And here's what their feedback sounds like:

• I tried that approach. It doesn't work. My husband was supposed to do_______( fill in the blank)____. Instead he did _____(the opposite of what I thought/wanted/was trying to get him to do)_____. This conflict resolution stuff doesn't work!

Conflict resolution techniques are not manipulation or coercion. In fact they are the opposite. When we try a new approach such as; question construction or a focus on detecting interests underneath positions or better listening techniques we are not working on the other person. We are working on ourselves. Building our tool box. Expanding our repetoire. Taking responsibility for our own part in the conflict.

You can't change anyone but yourself.

We've all tried. It doesn't work. This is the exciting and interesting part of human life. We never know what another person is going to do. We plan and strategize and outline. And then the other person does something unexpected. People are always unpredictable. That's life.

In conflict resolution work, we are creating a reservoir of tools and techniques for the individual to use. For themselves. To be a better conflict resolver. To make the conflicts in our lives go more smoothly and work toward mutually satisfying resolution. What others do will impact us, and then we move on to plan B or C etc, etc. Try different tools and techniques. At the end of the day, we can only control our own actions and try to hone our own skills.

Corona Virus and taking our own personal responsibility

Have you ever thought to yourself: If everyone would just do things just the way I think they should, the world would be a better place? I have. This recent crisis is a monumental test of all of our abilities to cope, adjust, learn and survive. And putting up with other people who are doing what we think they shouldn't is a major challenge.

So this is a perfect time to practice the thought process: I can't change anyone but myself. Is everyone else not taking things seriously? Use your best conflict resolution listening techniques to understand what they are thinking about. Are people not staying six feet apart? Take responsibility for yourself, you yourself stay six feet away. Are you confronting the inevitable challenges of conflicts that arise from self-quarantine? Focus on what you can do based on conflict resolution best practices.

Put on your own mask before assisting others

We all know this metaphoric admonition on the airplane. In the event of a loss of oxygen...adjust your own mask before attempting to assist others. Now is the time to work on what will help you. Take ten minutes to quietly meditate. Do internet research on active listening techniques. Watch TED talks on building cooperative problem solving. Garden. Sleep. Write. Reach out.

Our organization has had to adjust. We are continuing to provide services by video or telephone conferences. Social service agencies are available remotely. Seek the support you need. Call our office or send an email if you think we can help. We are all in this together.

Do this:

• Take this quiz. Week One Quiz How did you do?

• If you find yourself focusing on what someone else is doing that you don't like, shift your focus. Check yourself: Can I try a new way of looking at this? What do I want to know about the other person? Am I doing something that I can adjust?

• Here's a tried and true technique to change your focus. You've got a small conflict. On a piece of paper make two columns. In the first column, write down 10 things the other person is doing that bother you--try to get to 10 or as many as you can think of. Then in the column next to each item, write down at least one thing you can do to make things better. Focus on what you can do, not what you want the other person to do.

Article here You can't change anyone by yourself

If you missed Day 1, 2, 3 or 4, here they are:

Thoughts about conflict https://conta.cc/3d565pG

Conflict Styles https://conta.cc/38URE4h

Listening better https://conta.cc/38Z4rTj

Make friends with feelings ttps://conta.cc/33uxop7

Have a great weekend. We will be back on Monday. Get out in nature if you can. The sun is shining, or it will! - Sara

MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR FEELINGS

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR FEELINGS

Figure out feelings. Understand conflict.

Feelings are an important component of understanding, analyzing and handling life's conflicts.

Your brain and your emotional life

There's a wide variety of feelings and words that describe feelings. They are derived from the five core emotions: joy, anger/rage, fear, surprise, and sadness. The absolute reality is, the emotions are always there and whether we accept their existence or try to avoid them (see Day 2) everyone has a rich, varied and complex emotional life.

The limbic system, which developed much more recently in evolution after the nervous system and brain stem, is where the emotional life resides. After that, and much more recently in evolutionary terms, came the logical brain. The reality is, although the logical brain can try to dominate the feeling brain, the emotions can and will always take over. We survived as a species because of the feeling brain--it is essential for our existence.

Make friends with feelings

Feelings are an important component of what makes everyone human. Some of us have been taught that we should push down or ignore feelings, that any emotional expression or acknowledgment of our feelings will indicate our own personal weakness. Nope. Your hard work is to understand where your individual feelings come from. This is your lifelong job. We are all responsible for what we do with our feelings, no one else. And we can't take responsibility without spending a bit of time examining our own personal emotional life. Its not a quick process and requires learning how to self reflect. Relax. Look inward. Give yourself a break.

Name that feeling

We describe our feelings with a myriad of vocabulary terms. Only the individual person can pick the accurate term. Below is a list of feeling words, take a look and broaden your vocabulary. Naming an emotion has a powerful effect. Saying to yourself, I am feeling frustrated and also a bit hesitant is a much more developed internal dialogue as compared to the basic sad•mad•glad construction. Our words clarify our narrative. Our narrative has a big effect on how we approach challenges.

Feelings and conflict

First the internal part. If you are having a conflict and you are participating in the conflict, your emotions are tied up with some component of the conflict. We don't have conflicts if we don't care. And caring comes from an emotional place. Ask yourself some self reflective questions. What am I feeling? Do I know why I am feeling this way? Does it fit a pattern? Is there a long term memory involved?

And before you do or say anything you can't take back, consider the other person and their feelings. What are they feeling? Why do you think that is so? Can you check to see if you are right? Exploring feelings, with a light touch, both internally and with the other person can help to set the stage for productive communication and problem solving.

Emotional hijackers

One important part of the limbic system awesomeness is the fight•flight•freeze trio of hijackers. When we are highly emotionally charged, one of the those three take over. Big idea: It takes 20 minutes or more for you or anyone else to get back to normal after a fight•flight•freeze event. 20 minutes--not 30 seconds. That means in a conflict, you need to let yourself and the other person take a very long break before trying to engage your cerebral brain and work to resolve the conflict.

Conflict resolution and emotions

When you are engaging in a difficult conversation, find the right place to insert your own feelings. Here's a sometimes successful technique. Decide what you are feeling. Ask the other person, Would you like to know how I am feeling? If they say no, do not offer it. If they say yes, tell it in a neutral and not blaming way. If another person tells you how they are feeling, accept it as entirely and fully true. Never deny someone is feeling the way they say they are feeling. On flip side, don't take responsibility for other's feelings. We are all responsible for our own feelings. Other's actions affect us and may be the reason for the feeling. Blaming others for how you feel is counter productive. It does not help and sets up a lose • lose scenario.

Do this:

• Take a look at the feeling list (below). Set your timer for an interval of time--maybe an hour or two. As you go about your day, check in regularly on your emotional inner life. Write down the feeling words that best describe you throughout a few days. Is your list widely varied? Are you finding terms that fit you on both lists--needs satisfied/needs not satisfied?

• If you are seeing the same feeling word listed often, take some time to think about that feeling. Is there a pattern in your life that is related? Do you need someone to talk to about this?

• Listen when someone says they are feeling a certain way and accept what they are saying. You can respond by saying,

• Is there a way I can help ? (action) or

• I'm sorry you feel that way. (empathy) or

• Let me know if you want to talk about feeling _____?(communicate).

• Tell the conflict story, either to yourself on paper or in recording or to another trusted person. Make sure to describe your feelings. Can you figure out what needs, values or aspect of identity the feelings relate to? This is your conflict narrative. By reviewing our own conflict narrative, we can sometimes figure out a new a creative approach to resolving the conflict.

Quick read on the five core emotions here: Emotions and feelings

A list of feelings organized for conflict analysis Feelings inventory

Here's a long clip from the movie Inside Out--brilliant tutorial on emotions Inside Out: The Movie The clip is a bit disjointed, better to watch the whole movie if you can.

Yesterday's video clip didn't work right. Here it is Listening TED talk

Tomorrow there will be a quiz! It will be fun...I hope.

Learn To Listen Better

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

Learn To Listen Better

Want respect?

Listen better.

Think of people you admire. A leader, an expert, a mentor, someone you can rely on. What do these people all have in common? They are good at the skill, art, craft, and science of listening.

The skill of listening

Just like any skill, it takes practice, practice, practice. Try a self-improvement listening project - build your listening muscles. Face another person. Turn off your other thoughts. Postpone conclusions and judgements. Open up your mind to the other person and work hard at listening. Want to check how you are doing? Paraphrase or repeat back to the person. Say, "I'd like to see if I've got it. Is this what you just said?" Say back what you think you heard and see if the person recognizes their message.

The art of listening

Use your creative self while you work to be a great listener. Make pictures in your mind of what the person is saying. Not your own story, their story. Zone in on body language and tone--do you see or hear something that provides more information beyond the words?

Keep track of your own body language. Stay calm and open to what is being said. Find your own creative system to stay on track with what the other person is saying and what the meaning is behind the words.

The craft of listening

There are rules and structures that work if you want to be a good listener. Find a good place for a talk, don't try to multi task--you can't, no one can. Make encouraging moves or sounds, to show you are there with the speaker and that you are interested and listening.

With difficult topics, ask if you can summarize or paraphrase what is said. Don't let your answer, conclusion or personal experience emerge to hijack the conversation. Listening is not about you, it is about the other person. In your mind, think about these questions: What are they saying? What are they not saying? What are you learning about the person? Why are they telling you this? What do they seek from you as the listener?

Then ask questions--good solid real questions. First clarify information. Find out facts or check on details that are important to understand. Then ask deeper questions that are more open ended. Don't tell your own story. Don't provide your judgement. Don't tell the person what to do. Don't diminish the person or their values. Lift them up with the gift of your attentive listening.

The science of listening

Two people, sitting together and talking is a balm for life's wounds. We are social beings. We need to know someone appreciates our own ideas and experiences. Listening equals empathy. Blood pressure improves. Adrenaline and stress response returns to neutral. Muscles relax. Breathing calms. A warm feeling of calm develops. Trust builds. Respect increases. It's pretty amazing the actual physical and psychological effects that being listened to can have.

Here's the surprising part. The listener receives all the above positive effects along with the listened to person. We mirror each other's status when we spend time together. When you open your mind to listen to another person, it benefits you too. And if you have to be on a video call or phone to talk, use your voice to promote togetherness and calmness.

Conflict resolution and listening

Professional mediators, conflict coaches and others in the conflict resolution world know that their first and most important tool in the tool box is listening. This is how we do our work, looking underneath the words for the most important information--the needs, interests, values and identity of the speaker. If we are good at listening, there's no room for our own agenda or personal biases. We open our minds and do our very best listening in order to find potent foundation upon which to resolve conflict.

Do this: Ask someone in your life to help you to become a better listener. Ask the person to notice if you are listening well or not. Try to paraphrase - repeat back - what someone says.

How did you do? Are you picking up what the other person is saying or substituting your own ideas and vocabulary? Stick with it and be easy on yourself. Practice makes a little better -- there is no perfect. We are all in training.

• Listen for figurative language to understand better what the person is saying. Do they use more sports, gardening, travel, boating vocabulary?

• Watch their body language, what do you see?

• Work on your follow up questions, removing your own judgement and conclusions--really ask to hear the other person's thoughts and ideas.

• Don't let yourself believe you are multi tasking--especially when someone is trying to talk with you about something important. Give them your full attention. Put the phone down.

Watch a video about the craft and science of listening here--watch till the end for the RASA approach: Listening Ted Talk.

Or read an article Listening to loved ones or Listening at work

Our Conflict Style

WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…

Our Conflict Style

The Conflict Matrix

There are five main styles of conflict. Some are more effective than others. For those who feel uncomfortable with spending time handling conflict, its time to consider other methods of conflict resolution.

Many people use the AVOID conflict resolution style. They think its the safest option. When there is a major power imbalance between disputants or if there is not time or energy, avoiding dealing with the issue might make sense. The problem is, the conflict doesn't go away. Over time it gets worse. The ostrich with its head in the sand doesn't accomplish much except to hide from the problem.

We all know a COMPETITIVE conflict resolver. They want to win, the conflict is a battlefield and they are planning to win and you are going to lose. People who compete when there is a conflict don't accomplish much except to dominate the other person. This causes resentment and misses out on the ideas of the other person. Taken too far this can become a bullying scenario, driven by a need for power. Not a great way to truly resolve a conflict.

The flip side is the ACCOMMODATE conflict resolver who gives in to the other person and does not assert their own ideas and needs. Someone who always accommodates others is the person who is not being heard and considered. This style, overused, is going to lead to low self esteem on the part of the accommodating person--and a pattern of not truly communicating with the other person.

Our work is about moving conflict away from the outer frame in order to build experience with conflict as a positive process--moving toward well-discussed and agreed-to COMPROMISE and COLLABORATION.

When people compromise, and if the outcome results from a fully developed conflict resolution process, its an improvement compared to the first three styles listed above. Everyone loses a bit and everyone wins a little. At its best, the process will help to build the relationship and both people can appreciate learning about each other.

If the disputants have the time and can listen to each other, the strongest and most equitable is the collaborating style. Applying this approach means the disputants remove the shame and blame from their thinking, define the conflict together, put the topic in the middle of the table and work together to come up with a creative solution. They ask each other: Why do you want what you want? and Can we think of another way? They work together on the conflict as a project, using creative thinking in order to move toward a Win-Win outcome.

Do this: Spend some time thinking about the Conflict Styles with this matrix available as a reference. Do you see these styles in evidence? How often do you see each of the five styles? Which do you use and when and why?

Try using Creative Problem Solving/Collaborating. Pick a really low level conflict. Try to work together with the other person to come up with a new and interesting way to resolve the conflict. Be creative together.

Consider the connection between having a positive attitude toward conflicts and the ability and willingness to think creatively.

Watch a video about the conflict resolution styles here: Conflict Styles video Or read an article here: Conflict Resolution styles

Our Thoughts About Conflict

While we are keeping social distance and have a lot of time on our hands, let’s do some conflict resolution…

Our Thoughts About Conflict

Working with groups, we often start by gathering words associated with the word conflict.

After we have created a Conflict Web, we ask: What do you notice here?

'Its all negative'. 'Bad'. 'Conflict is not welcome'. 'We don't like conflict!'

When folks start mining their memories for messages they have adopted about conflict, they often uncover the incomplete and unhelpful ideas that are prevailing in our world.

Our work is about moving conflict concepts away from the lose-lose mentality to a new conflict metaphor.

• Conflict as a problem to be solved

• Conflict as an opportunity

• Conflict as a time to learn

• Conflict as a gift.

• Conflict as...(a garden? a journey? a house?...)

Do this: take a piece of paper and write down all the words you associate with conflict.

Try to come up with a list of conflict metaphors. Be creative!

Consider where these messages came from in your life.

Read an article Conflict Metaphors

Conflict Coaching Can Work for You

Sara Barnes, Lead Mediator

Over this past year we have been building our Conflict Coaching service. MVMP has our own model called CLAMSHELL. In two hours of 1:1 coaching, participants can review a conflict scene, analyze many aspects of the conflict and develop a personalized plan for the future.

Who benefits from Conflict Coaching? Our clients are diverse. Some are:

• a divorcing mom who wants to not shut down when dealing with her ex partner

• a public official who wants be more effective when confronted with anger

• a mother of the groom to who wants to better handle an upcoming family wedding

• a wife who gets angry whenever she and her husband discuss an ongoing topic

• a supervisor who finds herself reactive to the actions of a particular employee

These conflicts are the stuff of everyday life. Our clients come to us seeking self improvement. They work with a caring and qualified coach who leads them through the coaching protocol.

The CLAMSHELL letters stand for the steps that happen sequentially as the coach and client move through the conflict coaching process.

• Clarify Goals

• Listen to conflict story

• Ask to understand

• Map the internal & external

• Survey mutuality

• Heartcheck & Reflect

• Explore Options & Rehearse

• Lock it in

• Look for Pearls

We have learned quite a bit over the last year from our Conflict Coaching clients. The close bonds between coaches and clients open up reflective dialogue. Here are a few important findings so far:

1:1 time

Just the process of sitting for two one hour sessions with another person, being listened to and treated with kindness has great value. For many clients, taking a break from busy lives, and focusing inward has powerful benefits.

Pick a conflict scene

Our process asks clients to set a goal and then pick a specific scene to review. The concise nature of picking one important conflict scene helps clients and coaches to focus in a targeted way. In two hours no one can change everything, but focusing closely on a well-defined incident has the benefit of helping the client to zoom in on the underlying forces behind the conflict.

Two sessions

The time between sessions provides time for participants to think things through and develop new perspectives. The second session is often the session where clients have revelations about conflicts in their life.

Mutuality

The beginning of the second session is when the coach leads the client to walk in the other person's shoes and to use the concept of mutuality. This tool is new ground for some people. Our coaches are excellent at helping their clients use this tool as a way to understand their own conflict situation.

If you know someone who you think could benefit from CLAMSHELL conflict coaching, please send them our way. Throughout 2020 we are providing the first two sessions free of charge, thanks to a grant from Newman's Own Foundation.

We can all use a assistance in dealing with conflicts--Conflict Coaching can be that helping hand.

Court or Mediation? How to decide?

Sara Barnes

Lead mediator

Some in the court room who are waiting for District Civil or Small Claims cases are thinking, I've got a good case, I'm going to win. When we offer them mediation, there are some who take us up on our offer. The mediators say to both, "Its a voluntary process. Everything you say is confidential and the mediators are neutral. Its up to you and the other party to come to a self-determined agreement. The mediators will help you write it up and the court can enter it as a judgement if that is what you wish."

Mediation is an empowering process--those involved use their own ideas about fairness and negotiate with each other. The mediator guides them through the interplay. Those involved in the conflict decide how to settle the matter. Usually the parties are able to come to a mutually agreeable settlement. We work with the goal of a win-win outcome.

In more cases than we would like to see, though, the parties reject mediation. They say something like, I know I am going to win. I have a good case. Its airtight, so I"ll just let the magistrate or judge decide because I know they will decide for me. And I will win. A win-lose concept.

Yet when we check back later, we see that many of these cases were decided in exactly the opposite way-- and that by rejecting mediation the party gave up their chance at a more favorable outcome. Why is that?

When two people of relatively good intentions try to figure out what's fair--its based on their own ideas. Sharing those ideas can be illuminating. Sometimes the previous poor communication and misunderstandings can be worked out quickly just by creating a mediation space to really listen to each other. The parties themselves, the experts in the situation, can come a mutually satisfactory outcome together. It takes time and willingness to listen and negotiate. But it works.

When cases come to our office, in advance of court days; or if we provide mediation in the court setting, parties do not lose their rights to be heard in court. If no agreement can be crafted in mediation, then parties can still go to court and present their case.

What does the court do? They judge or magistrate applies the law to the case as it is presented. Those in court may have little understanding of how the law has to be applied and may not know that what may seem to them to be obviously unfair, is found in the favor of the other party. If parties in a dispute want to leave the outcome in the hands of the court, and if they are willing to possibly lose everything, then starting out in district civil court or small claims make sense.

We at MVMP, along with the judge and clerk-magistrate, always suggest using mediation services first. We believe in the power and benefit of self determination and have found that mediated agreements can have other positive and uplifting effects for those who participate. In the end, those in mediation usually find that it is an empowering process. Maybe frustrating and emotionally draining, but an overall strong and meaningful experience. For many, going to court can seem dis-empowering.

Our hope, of course, is for these cases to come to the Mediation program long before they end up in court. Call our office if you can't work it out yourself. "I tried to mediate it myself" was said by a defendant in court last month. This statement shows a misunderstanding. Mediation involves a neutral and qualified third party. As Judge Barnes, our new District Court Judge says, "If you tried to mediate yourself, you did the opposite of mediation. You can't do it yourself, you need to use the mediators. They are the best in Dukes County and they know how to help."

Our Year in Review

Our Year in Review

Christina Simmons, Board Member

With the year wrapping up and looking ahead to the future this is a chance to take a step back and reflect on all that we have accomplished. 2019 was a big year for MV Mediation Program. Part of our mission is to use education to encourage constructive dispute resolution. We are proud to have promoted our mission through education and in 2019 expanded our educational programs. 

Our educational programs and trainings grow both in the number of trainings and also in the variety of trainings offered. We were able to offer seven programs and courses with most trainings taking place over the course of many weeks. We were also happy to co-sponsor many of these programs with other local organizations such as the Chamber of Commerce, the YMCA and local libraries. Here is a sampling of what we offered:

·     Mediators Saturdays—Ongoing get togethers for mediators and apprentices to share best practices and build professional mediation skills.

·     Conflict Coaching Training—A 15 hour qualification for new Conflict Coaches with an additional apprenticeship process.

·     Introduction to Mediation Course—Offered in both the spring and fall each session was a 40 hour training and apprenticeship for MA qualified mediators.

·     Spring and Fall Workplace Conflict Workshops—Seven two-hour workshops to support employees, managers and others in creating a healthy workplace with positive approaches to conflict resolution.

 ·     Fall Conflict Management Cohort Course—20 hour course for Supervisors and Managers to develop proactive approaches to conflicts in the workplace.

 ·     Landlord Tenant Workshop—A two hour workshop for landlords and tenants to resolve conflicts and avoid problems with tenancies.

We are working to develop programming for 2020 that meets the needs of our community. There are already an exciting array of offerings. Look above and register on our website or by calling our office.

Do you have an idea of what kind of educational topics we should be developing? Drop us a line and let us know what you would like to learn more about the in the areas of conflict resolution and alternative dispute resolution.

January Mediation Musings

Building Community:

Talking about our Conflicts at Work

It’s a snowy, icy morning and the roads were difficult. Stomping the snow off our feet we greet each other. "You made it!" "Get some coffee and warm up." " I'm waiting to hear what happened with that situation from last week." "How is your son feeling?"

The greetings come from the cohort members who have been meeting together every Tuesday morning before work. Its the seventh session of the course and the members have decided to add two extra sessions on. "We need all the help we can get. And I get a lot from these discussions," said one participant.

This group has built a supportive community, talking about a topic that many shy away from: workplace conflict. Every Tuesday, a member presents a case study focused on a conflict at their work. They describe the situation, suggest what kind of feedback they are seeking and listen to the ideas of the other cohort members. With kindness, participants point out conflict management tools that might be helpful, notice patterns, suggest rephrasing or improved body language. The case study presenter leaves with lots of feedback and ideas to try out.

These are all supervisors, managers, business owners or staff members who want to improve how they handle conflicts. We use a self help text to pick up new ideas and I, as the facilitator, move things along and teach new concepts. But the glue that holds the whole thing together, is the individual stories and dilemmas that we all share with each other.

At the beginning of the course, we pledge confidentiality throughout the course and beyond, knowing that privacy is so important on this small island. Side conversations and partnerships arise. "Its amazing how, even though we are all in different businesses, we all are having the same problems," pointed out one participant.

This week one of our members shared their successes, following up on a situation described previously. "I kept quiet, I listened. I really tried to curb my judgement. And I didn't take it personally," The group gives lots of encouragement and congratulations. We know how hard it is to change habits and adopt new practices. And now we know its easier to do when you have a cadre of others who are working to do the same thing.

As the facilitator, I too gain new insights. I may have taught conflict resolution over many decades, but there is always so much more to learn and think about. Its an honor to spend my Tuesday mornings working with this group of Island leaders who are working to add more tools to their conflict resolution toolbox.

Sara Barnes

Lead Mediator

December Mediation Musings

 

MVMP is part of a network of Massachusetts Community mediation programs--MOPC Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

Our Program Director wrote the following:

Hi everyone,

It has become something of a tradition now for me to send out a note of thanks to mark this peculiarly American and wonderful holiday of Thanksgiving. I am thinking particularly about things to be grateful for and the importance of valuing those around you.

So with that in mind I want to acknowledge an amazing year of progress and transition for many and also the extreme amount of hard work put in to manage these changes.  For those interested in such things:

·       3330 mediations 72.68% of which reached agreement

·       Outreach carried out to 19,310 at 449 outreach events

·       35 basic mediation trainings and 219 specialized trainings

·       93% of participants happy with the process and 90% would recommend to someone else

·       Nearly 50% of participants reporting thought that mediation had built their skills, improved communication and reduced conflict/stress

·       3 new centers were brought into the re-entry program

·       A new Probate and Family Court pilot was begun

·       We conducted a successful conference with the Trial Court

·       Many were trained in conflict coaching and are now offering services

I could go on and on, but for those less interested in numbers and more interested in the feeling the work generates, you can know that everything that was achieved was done in collaboration and friendship. 

While you are sitting with your turkey, nut roast or protesting against the holiday as a colonialist relic, I hope you are not thinking about work.  However you can bask in some of the successes of the past year and be grateful for your role as peacemakers.  Thank you so much for everything you do.

Yours in solidarity

Ros

Rosalind Cresswell,

Program Manager, MOPC

Giving Tuesday

GIVING TUESDAY

Nancy Grundman, Program Coordinator

Giving Tuesday occurs the Tuesday following Thanksgiving. This year it falls on December 3. It is a day to say thank you to the non-profit organizations that make our community better. At MVMP, we are a tiny non-profit organization doing big things for the Island Community and we have been hard at work expanding our services. Our sliding fee scale means we turn no one away for inability to pay.

Here’s how our community projects have shown meaningful impact:

Workplace Conflict: A spring three-part workshop is now being repeated due to additional demand. A weekly workplace conflict management cohort is an additional program for supervisors and managers. All are co-sponsored by the MV Chamber of Commerce.

Family and Divorce mediation: These services have grown steadily as we provide Islanders with an affordable, self-determined and collaborative process for healthy separation, divorce and/or parenting planning. Contributions to the Family Fund keeps these services affordable.

Conflict Coaching: A new service available through generous support of the Newman’s Foundation. Two one-hour sessions of free 1:1 Conflict Coaching are available for any community member.

Volunteer mediators: We are present at every Small Claims Court session. As a state-approved Community Mediation Center, court referred cases receive free mediation services.

Consultative and facilitation services: Non-profit Boards, governmental entities, organizations and businesses receive individualized support based on their needs for conflict resolution services.

Conflict Resolution Courses: These are available to the Community including Introduction to Mediation and Introduction to Conflict Coaching. Individually tailored programs can be developed.

Youth Mediation: Training for youth aged 13-22 is free of charge and participants receive a stipend. The MVMP Youth Program is a partnership with the Aquinnah Cultural Center. Your contributions to the Youth Grant Fund will help to keep this project advancing.

Think of us on Giving Tuesday--or any day. We will make good use of your contributions.

November Mediation Musings

Workplace Conflict: You need more tools in your tool bag

Ugh I have to go to work. 

Thank god Its Friday. 

No one died wanting more days at work.

Our culture is full of all kinds of negative messages about work and working. Here on the Vineyard we would all like to be happily following our passions and living the dream. But the reality for many is that work is stressful and depleting.

Its not the conflicts that one successfully resolves that eat away at us. We are likely proud of our efforts when we solve a conflict. We likely see the result as an accomplishment. Resolved conflicts can build us up and make us feel strong enough to face the next challenge.

It’s the ones that got away, the arguments left unfinished, the patterns that never change, the unaddressed unfairness, the interpersonal difficulties never settled. These are the conflicts that make us miserable at work. If you ever stayed up at night chewing over a work situation and dreaded the morning alarm, unresolved conflict may be the explanation. 

MVMP has been working to help. In partnership with the Chamber of Commerce and Oak Bluffs Library we are now presenting our sixth of seven 2019 lunchtime workplace conflict workshops. Upcoming is Toxic Workplaces on November 14 and Team building on December 12. We will probably repeat the series in the spring.

We also offer a course on workplace conflict that meets weekly. On Tuesday mornings, a cohort of managers and supervisors meet in a private ongoing course to discuss a professional conflict management text and offer each other suggestions and ideas about handling workplace conflicts. This group will complete their ten sessions in December. Participants earn a certificate in workplace conflict management. The next course will be offered for new members at the end of January.

Knowledge about how to analyze conflict, manage emotions and use effective dispute resolution tools can help all of us. We spend so much of our time at work and yet most of us don’t have enough strategies to effectively resolve conflicts. MVMP is honored to be able to offer some assistance for community members. It is our hope that our efforts will help to make Martha’s Vineyard a happier more productive place—a place where our work lives can be a component of ‘living the dream.’

Sara Barnes,

President and Lead Mediator

Conflict Resolution Day is a Huge Opportunity

CONFLICT RESOLUTION DAY IS A HUGE OPPORTUNITY

Mediation Settlement Day

 Ken Andrichik, MVMP Board Member

Mediation Settlement Day was born in 2001 and grew in popularity. Bar Associations, community-based organizations, and court programs, along with Law Schools and Universities joined in support. Throughout, organizations conduct special programming to promote mediation and educate potential parties and attorneys about the mediation process. In New York, the 7 World Trade Center lobby, the Mid-Hudson Bridge, and Niagara Falls were lit in blue to commemorate the day!

In my former role as director of a national mediation program, we recognized Mediation Settlement Month. We reduced or eliminated administrative fees and mediators agreed to lower their fees. This “sale” on mediation every October gave staff administrators a brand new reason to contact the parties. Mediation at bargain prices!

 The aim is to encourage parties to try mediation for the first time and to reinforce its value and effectiveness to those who have benefited from mediation previously. Other organizations coordinated efforts with Conflict Resolution Day, the third Thursday of every October.

For MVMP, Conflict Resolution Day offers an outstanding opportunity to remind Islanders about the breadth of our services and the benefits of peaceful, collaborative conflict resolution. Tell your friends and neighbors that MVMP offers valuable resources to individuals, families, and business owners. We provide education to help organizations manage and prevent workplace conflicts. We guide young people on techniques to resolve disputes with their peers. We have a fabulous story to tell and Conflict Resolution Day gives us the perfect “excuse” to start up a conversation about our services.

Several board members will hand out flyers and brochures at the courthouse and local grocery stores. I encourage board members, mediators, volunteers and MVMP supporters to pitch in at one of these outlets of just get some flyers to hand to folks you encounter on that day.

Mediation Musings: Every Day is Conflict Resolution Day

by, Sara Barnes, President and Lead Mediator

October 17, 2019 is a worldwide celebration of Conflict Resolution Day. In Massachusetts the legislature has declared the week of October 14-18 Conflict Resolution Week.

Every day is conflict resolution day at Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program. Here are a few happenings from last week.

• Working on the Youth Mediation Program—creating partnerships with a youth organization so our mediators have a confidential setting for mediation services.

• Answering inquiries from numerous individuals and organizations who are seeking mediation, facilitation or conflict coaching services.

• Interacting with various divorcing couples and our in-house lawyer who prepares the court packets, in order to finalize divorce documents.

• Workplace conflict session #2 with a cohort of supervisors and managers who are working their way through a published conflict management text.

• Preparation of our quarterly reports to the offices of the Attorney General, District Court, Probate/Family Court and Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

• Discussion with a sister mediation organization in order to consider a partnership on a complicated project.

• Preparation for the twice-yearly Introduction to Mediation course fielding inquiries and preparing materials.

• Drop by from a friend of the organization who was thinking about getting involved in MVMP.

• Meeting of the Conflict Coaches to develop their campaign to promote this free service for Martha’s Vineyard residents.

Sometimes we feel like we are in a tiny boat paddling hard against prevailing winds that push in the opposite direction. Your support and belief in our mission—to encourage and assist all residents of Dukes County to resolve conflicts through mediation and other constructive dispute resolution tools—keeps us afloat.

On October 17 we will celebrate Conflict Resolution Day, joining with thousands across the globe who take one day to lift up the notions that conflict resolution is the way forward toward peace and understanding. Add this one on to your list of holidays. Celebrate with MVMP.

Youth Project with the Aquinnah Cultural Center

YOUTH PROJECT WITH AQUINNAH CULTURAL CENTER 

Sarah Safford, MVMP Youth Coordinator

Our first youth training took place in June. It was very successful with 12 youth mediators completing the course. Learning about conflict, Wampanoag legacy as conflict resolvers, listening skills and the negotiation process these youth mediators were amazing!

Over the summer we also worked on a Youth Mediation Role Play video including a scene of conflict on the water.The edited video will be available on Vimeo to be used as an instructional tool for future Youth trainings. We want to thank MVTV for their support in making this and other videos.

The other part of our Youth Project involved the young people doing historical research and interviews with Wampanoag elders on traditions of conflict resolution. One of the youth mediators assisted in the oral history interviews and eight Wampanoag elders participated.  

These interviews are currently being edited and will be available for the ACC to use in their educational programs and exhibits. 

Future plans include establishing a regular weekly presence at Alex's Place, the teen center at the YMCA across the street from the high school. We have a commitment from the Y staff to support any mediation activities we want to offer.

Our new Youth Liaison Intern, will assist with recruiting for the next youth training session to be held in November /December and along with me, Sarah S, will be doing outreach to schools, PTAs, and community organizations across the island. 

October Mediation Musings

Conflict Resolution Day: Every Day at MVMP

 Sara Barnes,

President and Lead Mediator

October 17, 2019 is a worldwide celebration of Conflict Resolution Day. In Massachusetts the legislature has declared the week of October 14-18 Conflict Resolution Week.

Everyday is conflict resolution day at Martha’s Vineyard Mediation Program. Here are a few happenings from last week. 

·       Working on the Youth Mediation Program—creating partnerships with a youth organization so our mediators have a confidential setting for mediation services.

·       Answering inquiries from numerous individuals and organizations who are seeking mediation, facilitation or conflict coaching services.

·       Interacting with various divorcing couples and our in-house lawyer who prepares the court packets, in order to finalize divorce documents.

·       Workplace conflict session #2 with a cohort of supervisors and managers who are working their way through a published conflict management text.

·       Preparation of our quarterly reports to the offices of the Attorney General, District Court, Probate/Family Court and Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration.

·       Discussion with a sister mediation organization in order to consider a partnership on a complicated project.

·       Preparation for the twice-yearly Introduction to Mediation course fielding inquiries and preparing materials.

·       Drop by from a friend of the organization who was thinking about getting involved in MVMP.

·       Meeting of the Conflict Coaches to develop their campaign to promote this free service for Martha’s Vineyard residents.

Sometimes we feel like we are in a tiny boat paddling hard against prevailing winds that push in the opposite direction. Your support and belief in our mission—to encourage and assist all residents of Dukes County to resolve conflicts through mediation and other constructive dispute resolution tools—keeps us afloat.  

On October 17 we will celebrate Conflict Resolution Day, joining with thousands across the globe who take one day to lift up the notions that conflict resolution is the way forward toward peace and understanding. Add this one on to your list of holidays. Celebrate with MVMP.