WHILE WE ARE KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE AND HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS, LET’S DO SOME CONFLICT RESOLUTION…
ASK THE RIGHT QUESTION
Asking the right question can make all the difference in a conflict
All kinds of questions
In conflict resolution training, participants are taught the skill of effective questioning. Its important to learn how to structure questions, which type of question to use when, and the the effect of particular questions. There's an art to asking questions at the right time and in the right way.
Closed ended questions
Red pill or blue pill? Its a closed ended question. How do you recognize this kind of question? It can be answered with yes, no or one word. Would you like fries with that? Yes or no. A closed ended question is useful when someone needs to know a simple answer and wants to limit the information coming from the respondent. Close ended questions can have the effect of shutting down communication. They have a restricting aspect and generally do not help to deepen or solidify a relationship.
Probing or Clarifying questions
In a conflict, ask clarifying questions before coming to conclusions. A clarifying question serves many purposes. Here's one: Would you tell me more about what your reaction was? The person answering gets the chance to explain themselves--and knows the other person is interested in their thoughts and experiences. Here's another one: Could you repeat the second part again? The person asking shows they want to make sure they understand what has been said and the other person knows they are being listened to intently. Here's a clarifying question that helps to fill in the blanks, I think I missed it, can you tell me what happened on Tuesday? Instead of jumping to make a judgement, ask a probing question and listen to understand.
Open Ended questions
The most helpful type of question in conflict resolution is the open ended type. This kind of question cannot be answered with a single word answer. It invites open communication and sharing of ideas. If you don't tend toward open ended questions, here a few all purpose ones that can be used in almost all situations. Remember your tone and body language need to be matched to sincere inquiry--and listen fully to get the answer and the underlying information that comes from truly trying to understand the other person.
Can you describe what happened?
What would you like to see happen?
What does that look like for you?
What would it take for us to be able to move forward?
What ideas do you have that would meet both our needs?
What about that was important to you?
What’s the biggest risk of you not making progress?
Tell me what you are concerned about?
What’s important to you about that?
If you are not able to come up with one of these in the moment when you are trying to improve communication, here are question starters to begin an open ended question:
I wonder..
Help me to understand...
Could you expand on...
I'm curious about..
or the tried and true all purpose question:
Would you tell me more?
Accusations into questions
Lets say you have come to a conclusion or judgement and it sounds something like: You did this on purpose to hurt me! This accusation can be easily turned into a question, Did you do this on purpose to hurt me? Although the conclusion is part of it, the question comes across as a genuine inquiry, as long as its paired with a tone of voice that is calm. Asking this kind of question can serve to open up communication instead of shutting it down. Or instead of asking it as a close ended question, try an open-ended one: Could you tell me about why you did that? Did you have any thoughts about how it would affect me?
Why questions
Starting an open ended question with Why might seem like a great way to try to increase understanding. Some recent research calls this into question. Particularly in a conflict, it turns out, a person being asked a why question can hear it as an aggressive challenge. So use four of the five Ws--What, When, Where and How, but be judicious about using Why if you are trying to be delicate and not cause more conflict.
Do this: